


Why Crossing Timelines is Hazardous to the Sanity of Others

by Foodmoon



Series: Oddball fics [14]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, Dark Crack, Dark Tobirama, F/M, He's just an asshole about it, M/M, Mpreg, Nasty unknown jutsus and fuuinjutsus, Population increasing jutsus of doom, Rape, Time Travel, Timeline Hopping, Tobi is willing to change the future for the better, Tobirama is an asshole, Very Dubious Consent, mouse deaths
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-02
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2019-07-06 02:24:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 23,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15876540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Foodmoon/pseuds/Foodmoon
Summary: It begins with a knee to the head...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> You may require brain bleach after reading. You have been warned.
> 
> AKA. Exhausted sick person comes up with very strange story ideas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Please note:** The linked Omake fic is not tagged (dark version) because it's a darker version of this story. It is tagged (dark version) because I had two versions with Obito in my head at the time and this one had much darker options attached to it than the other.

Kakashi is…not expecting a knee to the head that rattles his brain hard enough that even muscle memory temporarily fails him. He goes down in a boneless heap, not unconscious but with a concussion that has him seeing triple or maybe quadruple, and unable to control his own limbs. His attacker’s movements are quick and sure as a chakra seal is slapped over his heart and the back of his uniform is slit open and something is inked on the back of his shoulder blade with the cool sting of chakra ink and he feels it _burn_ itself into his system like a marker tagging his chakra, then he is being flipped over, his head forced up, and something else inked on the underside of his chin.

Unlike the first mark, this one isn’t a solo burn, it’s a sizzle, quieter, all-pervasive, subduing. He doesn’t know what it is, but he can tell what it _does_. Keying his chakra, his self, so he can’t disobey his attacker. _Fuck_. It’s like the start of his worst nightmare. Then his chin is released and he is blinking woozily at his attacker…who looks…familiar somehow. “Nidaime-sama?”

The silver brows, all five sets of them, raise, then resolve back to three sets as his vision steadies a bit. “What is your name?”

“Hatake. Kakashi Hatake.” It’s been a long time since someone above genin level has failed to recognize him. “How? You’re dead.”

“Hm.” The chakra seal is removed, apparently unneeded now. “Hatake. That’s a decent bloodline. You’ll do.”

“Thanks?” Then he gags as chakra reasserts itself in his system, and rolls over to dry heave.

“Ah. Sorry about that.” A green glowing hand comes to rest against his head, soothing the nausea and pain. “Better?”

He considers. “Yes. I’m only seeing double now instead of quintuple. Who the hell are you?”

“Tobirama Senju. You seemed to recognize me. Do I look like someone you know?”

Kakashi curses. He’d like to deny it, but he’s certain this isn’t a genjutsu. “What is it with the founders insisting on coming back from the dead? Though I’m surprised you don’t remember, given that you fought with us against Madara in the 4th war.” He pauses and squints. “Wait. Is this even Edo Tensei? You don’t _look_ like a reanimated dead man.”

Tobirama, if that’s who he is, looks surprised. “You know of the technique? No, this is not Edo Tensei. Why are you wearing the Uzumaki symbol?”

He frowns. “How did you get here?”

“Hiraishin.” Tobirama says calmly, as if it’s a given.

“Is that what you marked on my back?”

“Yes. You didn’t answer my question.” There’s a thread of cool annoyance in his tone, but Kakashi ignores it.

“And on my throat?”

“‘Obey’.” There is amusement for a fraction of a moment in the dark, reddish eyes. The word is an explanation, he can tell, but…it’s also a command.

Kakashi resists, but in the end, even his will isn’t strong enough to thwart the fuuinjutsu. Not one backed with the power of a Senju. He curls into himself, panting in reaction. Resisting brings…not exactly pain, but revolt against himself, a pressure that’s impossible to resist for long. “Konoha…” He clears his throat, fighting the urge to whine. “Konoha ninjas wear it in memory of Uzushiogakure, our sister city, destroyed by those who feared their power combined with Konoha’s on the battlefield. It was…around the 3rd war, before I was born. The last… There’s only two Uzumakis left that I know of. One travels. The other is Hokage. Nanadaime Hokage. His wife… She’s a Hyuuga.”

“So my brother’s dream comes true. Interesting. But you still have wars? With the Uchiha?”

He grimaces and sits up. “No. I mean yes, but no. The Uchiha were a part of Konoha until they were massacred by one of their own. Well, more than one. There was one survivor, and now the others are dead too, but Sasuke has a Haruno wife. They are loyal to Konoha. Madara…well, Madara managed to come back from the dead with Edo Tensei, and even with all the hidden villages working together we were barely a match for him, and then there was Kaguya. Madara never forgave Izuna’s death and it eventually turned him mad. And we only survived Kaguya because Sasuke and Naruto were able to trick and defeat her.”

“Naruto?”

“The Hokage.”

“Ahh, the Uzumaki. That makes sense. And you? Tell me about your status within the village.”

Kakashi levels a disbelieving stare at him. On the one hand, he resents and fears being forced to answer, but on the other hand, it’s nothing that pretty much everyone in the elemental nations doesn’t already know. “I am the last of the Hatake, former apprentice and then bodyguard to the Yondaime Hokage, jounin, former ANBU-please don’t ask me about that, jounin sensei to Naruto Uzumaki, Sasuke Uchiha, and Sakura Uchiha nee Haruno, former Rokudaime Hokage.”

“My, my, you are quite a catch, aren’t you?”

He makes a rough sound of laughter in his throat. “No, not at all. Unless you’re looking for the fame of defeating the Copy Ninja. I don’t have Obito’s sharingan anymore, though, so it’s not such an accurate moniker now. I’m just a mess who got his teammates killed.”

The silver eyebrows lift. “That’s a lot of self-hate there. It seems that you’re fortunate I found you. You will carry on my legacy.”

“Oh no, please no more legacies. Haven’t I failed enough of them already?” Kakashi wonders if it’s the seal or the concussion causing his inability to filter his words.

Surprisingly, Tobirama lifts a hand to run through his hair at his temples, pushing aside the hitai-ate and pulling his mask down. “Shh. I didn’t ask your opinion.” _Well that’s true. It hadn’t been a question._ “And you mistake my intent.”

A surge of chakra _boils_ through his system, painlessly cool, but utterly distracting. When his head stops spinning so badly, he manages, “Did you just use a jutsu without handsigns? On me?”

“Mmn. Don’t worry, it’s not permanent. You’ll revert back eventually.”

 _Revert…_ Kakashi has a bad premonition about this.

A well-deserved premonition, as it turns out. Half a minute later, he’s flat on his face, naked as a jaybird, and there’s a hand between his legs, and the fingers inside him are _not in his ass_. It’s the only _apparent_ change to his body, but he doesn’t think he’s lucky enough that it stops there. His luck has gone missing nin when he was _five_ and hasn’t decided to repatriate yet. _“What the hell!?”_

Tobirama tsks. “And here I was thinking that it was obvious. The Hatake clan needs more heirs to carry on its legacy, so do I. Though I’m hardly going to leave my children in an era where child hunting parties are the norm. I lost two younger brothers already, you know? You will carry my children and raise them properly and they will be much safer.”

 _He time traveled? On purpose?_ Kakashi is stunned by the notion. Of course he knows the Hiraishin has time/space components, but this? This is… He doesn’t even know. “So what? You’re just going to rape me and trust I get pregnant and don’t abort the baby or give it away?”

“No, no.” Tobirama scolds lightly. “A Hatake wouldn’t do such a thing, now would you?” _This is true. No Hatake would kill a child because of what their parent did, much less their own child. And he hates killing children with a fiery passion. Even unborn ones._ “But I can help with any uncertainty you’re having over it. This is an order. You will submit to me when I visit you, and you will do nothing to harm my offspring, nor neglect them.”

Kakashi curses and leans his forehead against the dirt. _He should have seen that coming_ , but his head hurts like hell still. He wonders if Naruto can remove the seals.

Tobirama chuckles, apparently sensing the direction of his thoughts. “You _can_ have the seal removed, but I wouldn’t recommend it. Doing so will shut down your chakra network permanently. Trust me, I’ve tested it thoroughly. You’d probably survive, but I doubt that you’d enjoy being a civilian.”

He shudders at the thought, but doesn’t doubt him. “And the Hiraishin mark?”

“Oh, you can remove the mark, but there’s really no point. It’s served its purpose. I’ll be able to find you anywhere, anywhen.”

 _Great_. He’d feared as much. “Why?”

A dark chuckle and warm hands slide up his sides. “Come now, don’t be like that. I’m sure you know the answer.”

“You plan to come back. And do this again.”

“Of course. You’ll get used to it.”

Kakashi frowns as something occurs to him. “You’re not the Tobirama I met before, are you?”

“Mmn. No. Quite unlikely unless me stepping into your timeline has affected things very oddly indeed. I _could_ have gone to my own future, of course, but if I learned things I could change, I’d be unlikely to retain them when I returned to my own time. Or there’d be the possibility of changing things so radically that I ended up erasing the possibility of my own children after siring them. A conundrum I decided to avoid.”

 _That…makes a stupid amount of sense._ Or maybe it just does to Kakashi. Being a genius means that sometimes he looks at the world in a way that makes it impossible to explain to others. Unless they’re also geniuses. Like Tobirama. Or Minato. “Oh fuck. They’re either going to be a bunch of mini-Minatos or idiots, aren’t they?”

“Excuse me? Minato?”

“Ah... My sensei. Minato Namikaze. He was a genius too, but his son is kind of an idiot.”

“His son?”

“Naruto. He was given his mother’s last name after he was orphaned.”

“Hmm. You aren’t referring to me when you say ‘genius’, are you?”

Kakashi turns his head to look at up at him. “Not really. Though I know you are, of course.”

“A pity. It’ll be hard to tell who they take after.”

“True.” Kakashi agrees, trying to ignore the fact that he’s being fucked by a time traveler, _really strange_ version of someone who died nearly a century ago and he’s not struggling, despite not being restrained. He can blame it on the concussion and the seal and common sense, but that doesn’t make him feel any better about it, particularly since it’s not unpleasant. “Though if they have black hair, I’m blaming you.”

Tobirama laughs. “Fair enough, I suppose.”

“You know I’m going to have to tell my Hokage about this, don’t you?”

“It’ll be good for you to have support in my absence.” Tobirama replies blandly and pats his head.

 _That was uncalled for. And insulting._ “I’m not a dog, you know.”

Teeth scrape over his shoulder, making him shudder with sensation. “You sure about that? Because I’m pretty sure that you’re _my_ dog.”

“Very funny.”

“I thought so.”

Tobirama’s teeth scrape over his nape now, and he gives up and whimpers. _Fuck it_.

It’s not that he has an objection to men, he finds them attractive, but his life… Well, it has not been conducive to sex. _At all_. Too young, too broken, too much in a position of authority…there’s laws against abusing authority. And trusting someone to not take advantage of a vulnerable state? _Yeah right_. Even if he knows logically that he trusts them to his back and this is no different, he can’t convince himself of that. So he’s never. He’s still firmly calling this rape, because it is, technically. But this? He literally has no choice but to submit, despite the paranoia clamoring in the back of his brain. And it feels damnably pleasurable. Short fingernails scrape down his sides and a whimpering moan crawls out of his throat against his will. A hand twists in his hair, angling his head for a deep, plundering kiss that leaves him breathless and dazed.

“That’s right. Just like that. Good boy.”

“Not a…dog.” He clears his throat. “And you do realize I’m like twice your age?”

“Do you always talk this much?” Tobirama sounds more curious than complaining. He pulls out, flips Kakashi over before he can do more than blink in reaction, and sinks back in, which…he thinks it was better when he couldn’t look him directly in the face. This feels more consensual _and it’s not_ , no matter what his traitorous body thinks of it. Kakashi averts his gaze because _no, no, no_. Sharp teeth nip his chin, making him tense slightly, then shudder and raise his knees involuntarily to clamp on Tobirama’s hips, because tensing had made _that thing_ inside him feel _larger_ and… Tobirama laughs and nuzzles at his ear. Then says, hot breath washing over his ear and making him shudder again at the humid tickling sensation, “Am I going to have to break you of this bad habit of not answering me?”

“No, I-” Kakashi blinks rapidly, trying to remember the question. _Ah_. “I don’t talk much. Normally.”

“Aww, look at you. Being a good shinobi and gathering information even when you’re helpless. That’s so cute.”

“I am _not_ cute!” He protests, miffed. That’s almost worse than being teased about being a dog. _He is not cute!_

“Hm.” Tobirama draws back and studies his face. “No, you really are. I can see why you wear a mask.”

Kakashi scowls. “I wear a mask because I’m a ninja. Obviously.”

That just makes Tobirama snicker and bury his face against Kakashi’s shoulder, shaking in laughter, _which feels very strange, for the record_. “Obviously. That’s adorable. It’s never occurred to you that no other ninjas _wear_ masks? It makes you very recognizable.”

“So?” he says sulkily.

“Saa, I don’t mind. It just means that others don’t get to see what’s mine.” The approval in Tobirama’s voice makes something in him cringe.

“Not yours.” He snipes, disgruntled.

“ _Ohhh!_ For that I’m going to make you _beg_. You’ll never be able to look at another man or woman with interest again.”

Considering he doesn’t really anyways, well…no, he’s not going to let this asshole know that. He’d probably enjoy the information far too much. Instead, he insults him creatively, tone defiant.

~

Tobirama does. Make him beg, that is. Repeatedly.

And when he’s gone, it takes him a few hours to pull himself together and limp back to Konoha in his ruined uniform. The guards at the gate give him a concerned look, but he waves them off and goes straight to the Hokage’s office, raising a few brows when he walks up rather than shunshinning through the window.

Naruto looks concerned at his arrival, understandable since he’s _abandoned_ his mission and looks rather rough despite his best efforts at cleaning up.

He shuts the door. “We have a problem. Or rather, _I_ have a problem, which sort of makes it your problem.” He hooks a finger in his mask and pulls it down, making Naruto’s eyes widen in shock, then tilts up his chin and points at the mark underneath it.

“Oh.” Naruto gets up and inspects it. “That…I can- Kurama, what do you mean ‘new life’? Kakashi sensei’s a guy, he can’t be pregnant. No. It doesn’t work like that. I can try to remove it, Kakashi, but I’m nowhere near as good as Jiraiya was.”

“I’d rather not. He said it could be removed, but doing so would shut down my chakra network permanently.”

Naruto winces. “Which would kill you.”

“Maybe, maybe not. I don’t really want to find out, you understand.” He clears his throat uncomfortably. “So, about that pregnancy thing…”

“You’re kidding. _Kurama was right!?_ How is that-? Even my Sexy Jutsu doesn’t make _that_ possible.” Naruto flails and it’s comical enough to make him actually smile.

“Well, apparently it _is_ possible if a Tobirama Senju steps through time from a different timeline with a jutsu for it.”

“The _Nidaime did this!?”_

Kakashi winces at the volume. “Saa, not exactly. He isn’t _our_ Nidaime, and he’s a bit weird, to be honest. He also seems to be from _before_ Konoha’s founding. It’s complicated.”

“Complicated! No, you know what? I don’t want to know, don’t tell me.” Naruto sinks to the floor with his head in his hands, muttering about how he can’t believe _the Nidaime_ did this.”

“I’d like to retire.”

Naruto looks up, puzzled. “You already retired.”

“As a ninja.” Kakashi clarifies. “He didn’t seem to mind that I’d have to tell you, so he probably doesn’t mean any harm to Konoha at this time. But that could change in the future. It’s best if I’m not in a position to facilitate that.”

“He’s still around, then?”

“No, he went back, but he marked me with his Hiraishin and by his own words _definitely_ plans on coming back.”

“But _why?”_ Naruto’s tone is plaintive.

Kakashi grimaces. “Offspring. He wants more heirs. And since he can do _this-_ ” He indicates his body with a hand motion. “He’s apparently decided that I’m a good choice for it.”

Naruto eyes him, then says cautiously, “We could…try to reverse that.”

He winces and pulls his mask back up. “I’ll pass, thanks. Messing with unknown jutsus can have irreversible unwanted side effects, and he did say it would wear off…eventually.”

“Oh. Kakashi sensei…are you okay with this?”

 _No, he’s not okay with this!_ “No. You might want to assign someone else to my mission. You’ll have my retirement papers within the day. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to the hospital and then home.” He limps out, ignoring Naruto’s renewed flailing.

He knows retirement is the best option, the _only_ option, really. Naruto’s lack of protest means _even he_ sees it, too. Still, he’s going to hate it. Kakashi can barely remember _not_ being a ninja, and before that his goal was to _be_ one, so it feels like invalidating his entire life. Rebuilding the Hatake clan is probably a worthy goal, but it’s never been one he’s been interested in.

~

It is Sakura who comes up with a solution that saves his sanity. A Yamanaka laid seal in his mind that reacts to any attempt to gain sensitive information from him by way of temporarily shutting it out of his memory. It’s not ideal. It means he’ll be forgetting a lot of things until it reverses itself three months later. The seal _can_ be broken; it’s possible that Tobirama has the skill to do so if he wishes. All he’d have to do at that point is somehow stick around three months and prevent the seal from being relaid in order to get the information he needs. But it’s a _viable_ solution to being able to keep Kakashi on the council, even if he can’t stay as a shinobi. It even allows him to take a position as a part time instructor at the Academy, since his pregnancy even in an advanced stage is barely visible. He’s not really _comfortable_ with kids or the chunin instructors, but at least it’s _something to do_. And the kids _do_ listen to him, though most likely only because he’s a former Kage.

Iruka has a habit of confiscating his porn if he brings it to school and shouting in his face, which at least is normal. Well, at least the shouting and waving things in his face bit.

The small bit of normalcy is something to treasure when he looks in the mirror and realizes that he’s growing boobs. Small ones, tiny even, but boobs. _Which is not okay!_ But Sakura and Tsunade assure him that, no, it’s to be expected, and they’ll likely go away after he’s done nursing. _Nursing!_ Ugh. He spends a few days sulking and drooping, because _so not okay_ , but gives it up after having multiple students ask in alarm if he’s okay and Iruka threatening to tell Gai that he needs cheering up.

He’s avoiding Gai like the plague, thank you very much. They had to _tell_ Gai and had sworn him to secrecy, but that hasn’t kept Gai from _treating_ him differently once he learned of the pregnancy. He treats Kakashi like he’s fragile now and Kakashi _hates it with a fiery passion_. Of all the things Tobirama has taken from him, he resents this one the most. It is very sad when a man confined to a wheelchair treats one as if they are _fragile_.

~

When he wakes up from giving birth, something he’d _insisted_ Tsunade knock him out for because _nope, nope, nope, not going through that while conscious_ , Sakura looks like she wants to murder someone. Following her gaze, he sees Tobirama has come and is cradling a rather red and bald baby while Tsunade speaks with him quietly.

Then Tobirama looks at him. “Awake, I see.”

Kakashi doesn’t answer, but Tobirama only grins at his silence.

“My grand-niece informs me that I’m not allowed to give him the Senju name. Have you chosen a name for him yet?”

He just blinks at him, because _well, no he hasn’t_ , despite Sakura’s best efforts to make him do so.

“Shoma, then.” Tobirama decides.

_Well, it’s no worse than ‘scarecrow’ as a name. There’s that at least._

_“You_ don’t get to name him!” Sakura says with venom.

He gives her an amused look, then looks back at Kakashi. “You have an objection?”

“N-” He coughs and wets his lips. “No. It’s a good name.”

Tobirama looks pleased, then walks over and places Shoma in his arms before stroking sweaty hair back from Kakashi’s temples. “He’s a strong child. You did well. Unfortunately, I should go now.”

Kakashi ignores Sakura’s screech of rage as Tobirama _disappears_ in favor of soothing his startled-awake son. Shoma is _tiny_ , and kind of ugly if he’s honest, but he’s _his_. His son.

“I’m gonna _kill that man!”_

“If you manage it, _you_ get to explain to Shoma when he’s older.” Kakashi informs her, not looking up.

“You seem pretty calm about him showing up.” Tsunade observes.

“Good drugs.” He excuses.

Tsunade snorts. “You keep telling yourself that. And Sakura, you’d have to _catch_ him before you could kill him.”

“It only takes once.” She says direly, crossing her arms.

~

Izuna grunts as the Senju bastard drops him face first on the ground somewhere that _definitely isn’t the battleground_ they just left. And how the bastard managed to _kidnap him off a battlefield_ after somehow managing to put a chakra seal on him is something he doesn’t want to touch with a _stick_ because it’s humiliating. He flinches as silver hair comes into his line of sight, but the tall, masked man who crouches down to examine him isn’t Tobirama after all.

“An Uchiha? And not Sasuke, ne? Saa, I wonder if he’s dropping you off permanently or if he has plans for you?”

“Who the fuck are you!?”

“Maa, maa, probably the reason you’re here. I’d apologize, really I would, but if you are who I think you are, you’re probably only alive because of me.” _Well, the Senju bastard definitely could have killed him instead of kidnapping him._

He groans and rolls over, wondering if this is how civilians feel _all the time._ If so, he has no idea how they don’t just commit suicide in frustration. The man isn’t dressed like a shinobi and his posture is lazy, but Izuna isn’t fooled. A scar like the one cutting over his left eye isn’t the kind one gets _accidentally_. “Where is this?”

“Konohagakure. The ninja village founded by Madara Uchiha and Hashirama Senju. Hmm… Around sixty years ago or so? Something like that. Congratulations! You’ve not only time traveled, you’ve timeline hopped.” The eye smile is obnoxious and insincere, but he doesn’t think the other is lying.

“And you know this how?”

“Ah, well, that. You might say I’m that asshole’s victim as well. I suppose he wants you to stay with me, but that’s probably not a good idea.”

“Lord Rokudaime?”

Izuna locates the questioner, a ninja in a white animal mask, and stares. _What the-?_ A bodyguard? The title suggests as much.

The silver haired man, who is apparently _Lord Sixth_ , stands, stepping back easily. “Inform Naruto and Tsunade that we have a guest. I’ll be fine for a bit. His chakra is sealed. And if he’s fool enough to try to harm one of the kids, I’ll end him myself.”

“Yes, Lord Rokudaime.” The ninja says respectfully and shunshins away.

A little silver haired toddler comes up and clings to the man’s pants leg. “Tou-s’, ‘ika cwyin’.”

“Is she? Alright.” Lord Rokudaime glances back at Izuna. “You can come in if you’re not too nauseous to move.” He hefts the boy into his arms and saunters into the house.

After a bit, Izuna manages to get to his feet and stagger inside. The house is surprisingly humble for a lord. More of a small clan house, really. He finds Lord Rokudaime fussing over a crib, and peers down at the baby curiously. She’s too young to tell for sure, but she looks unfortunately familiar. “Are the kids part Senju?”

“Maa, maa, you might say that.” He doesn’t bother looking at Izuna. “But they are Hatakes.”

“So that’s why you don’t want me here.”

“One of them, yes.”

He decides not to enquire what the other reasons might be, then startles as tiny hands grab onto his clothes for balance.

Lord Rokudaime goes stiff, not leaking KI in deference to the kids, but quite obviously ready to act. “Calm down, Hatake, I’m not gonna hurt your kid. Or your sister’s kids. Whatever.”

“I’m glad to hear that, as I’d hate to kill another relative.” A cold voice behind him says. “Are you alright, Kakashi sensei?”

The toddler lets out a screech of delight and heads for the new arrival. “Unca Sa’ke!”

Izuna turns carefully, eyes widening in surprise as he sees an Uchiha missing a hand and part of a forearm, standing there, glaring daggers at him. They’re so similar that it’s almost like looking in a mirror. No wonder Hatake mistook him for this Sasuke to begin with.

“Maa, maa, Sasuke-kun, do you have so little faith in your sensei?”

“Hn.” Sasuke grunts and swings the toddler absently up into his arms. “Who’s this?”

“At a guess, Izuna Uchiha. He hasn’t said yet.”

“I _am_ right here.” Izuna complains.

Sasuke just glares harder and peels a tiny hand off his mouth to say, “Yes, that _is_ a problem, given that you _died_ around seventy years ago. And your psychotic brother nearly destroyed the world because of it. Recently, I might add. If I never face the Edo Tensei again, it will be too soon.”

Izuna gapes at him, because _the heck?_ That’s a Senju technique. How could his brother know it? But if this place has Uchihas too, maybe they were taught it and someone brought him back? There’s only one problem with that, though. Madara _hates_ the war, he would _never_ try to destroy the world, and their other brothers are long dead and would be more likely to turn vengeful over Madara’s death than his, even if they _were_ brought back.

“I didn’t realize that you were back, Sasuke.”

“Just got back.”

“Sakura and Sarada will be glad to see you.”

“Hn. I’ll be around until we decide what to do with _hi-_.” Sasuke breaks off to sputter and pull tiny fingers out of his mouth. “Not the mouth, Shoma.”

The toddler leans back and looks him in the eye to say solemnly, “Unca Nar’o says be’er when no’ talk.”

Sasuke scowls. “And sticking your hands in people’s mouths is even ruder than your Uncle Naruto is.”

Little Shouma stares at him, then grins widely and throws his tiny arms around his neck dramatically. “Miss’ you, Unca Sa’ke!”

“Yeah, yeah.” Sasuke pats the little back and turns his scowl to over Izuna’s shoulder. “He’s just like you as a kid, isn’t he?”

“Maa, maa, I was arguably worse.” Hatake answers in an amused tone, making Izuna laugh.

It is something of a mistake. Sasuke’s eyes spin into sharingan, then to a strange purple color, but Hatake intervenes.

“Sasuke. What Madara did is _not_ his fault.”

After a moment, the strange purple eyes go back to Uchiha black as Sasuke apparently accepts that. “Hn.” He sets the boy down. “Naruto wants to see him. Rabbit went off to find Sakura and Tsunade, but should be back soon.”

“I’ll be fine. Go.”

Izuna frowns. “Naruto?”

“Hn.” _Okay, apparently he’s not getting an answer_.

~

The blue eyed blond in a fancy hat looks cheerful enough, but once the door is closed he lets out a flicker of KI that sends Izuna to his knees, panting and trying to breathe over the sheer _malice_ in it. He’s withstood far worse in the past without hesitation, but without chakra to combat it, even a short moment of it is in danger of drowning him.

“Whoa, sorry about that. So you’re an Uchiha?”

He nods, swallowing hard. “Izuna.”

“Madara’s little brother, right?”

“Y-yeah.”

“Well, I guess that explains why that jerk dropped you off instead of killing you. Your version of Tobirama is _really weird_ , you know that? Ours was a lot less of a jerk. But I guess at least your version might not kill you. Would you rather stay with Sasuke and give your word to not harm anyone while you’re here, or stay in a cell so you don’t have to make promises that you’ll have to keep?”

Izuna stares at him, but when it comes down to it, he’ll take what freedom he can get, even if it comes with a built-in guard. It’s not like he’s much threat without his chakra anyways. “I’ll stay with Sasuke.”

~

Madara fumes.

He honestly doesn’t have a clue why he woke up alive. Hashirama’s little brother had _disappeared_ with Izuna, then come back without him and used Madara’s rage against him to help Hashirama take him down. There’s a chakra suppression seal on him, but even without it he can _feel_ chakra, and by the looks of it, most of his kin are also tied up with suppression seals on them but a few are free, if weaponless. He assumes that they surrendered after he was knocked unconscious.

Glowering at his best friend/worst enemy and his white haired sibling, he growls, “I can break out of this, you know.”

Hashirama looks a little guilty, but Tobirama crouches down to meet his eyes.

“I have no doubt of it, but are you sure you want to do that? You won’t get Izuna back if you do.”

Madara sneers. “No doubt you’ve already killed him.”

The silver haired asshole gives him an evil smile. “As a matter of fact, the only thing wrong with him is that he doesn’t have access to his chakra. See, I’ve decided that anija’s dream has some merit to it. And you’re the one to make it happen. If you do, I’ll give Izuna back. If not, I’ll leave him where he is. I’m _sure_ he’ll be fine.”

 _Well that explains why Hashirama is going along with it, and why he looks guilty._ The soft-hearted idiot.

~

Kakashi is…less than surprised when Tobirama shows up a few days later looking extremely pleased with himself.

“You stashed him with your Uchiha student and that violent pinky medic?”

He nods. There’s no point in denying it, given how good a sensor Tobirama is. Then he cocks his head. “What did you _do?”_

Tobirama smirks wickedly. “Only thoroughly defeated the Uchihas and coerced them into an alliance. That spiky ball of anger and anija are wed now.”

Kakashi blinks, because _how did he manage that? Any of it?_ Then chokes. “You didn’t!”

“Of course I did. You know how annoying it was to watch them pining after each other for almost a decade? Besides, the Uchiha can’t claim it’s someone else’s child if Madara’s the one carrying it.”

“Eww.”

“Ew?” Tobirama’s brows lift.

“That made me imagine Sasuke and Naruto together.” He complains, dropping his face into his hands. Then as an afterthought adds, “Whatever you’re thinking, don’t do it, you malicious brat.”

Tobirama tsks laughingly. “Is that any way to speak to your lover? Oh, I definitely will.”

“I don’t want to know.”

“I’ll tell you some other time.” He leans over the table and tugs on his mask.

Kakashi obligingly tilts his head to allow him to pull it off, knowing resisting will only bring amusement at his expense. But still, he asks plaintively, “Can we not do this right now?”

“Worried about getting pregnant again so soon?”

He grimaces. “That’s not it. Tsunade says if you want another one, it should be within the year, because I’m getting too old for it to be safe. I just don’t feel like being victory sex.”

“Alright.” Tobirama surprises him by acquiescing. While he’s rather…considerate, all told, it’s rare that he accommodates Kakashi’s objections unless they’re health related. “I should get Izuna back before Madara implodes with rage anyways. Which would be funny, except anija will cry on me.”

Then he laughs at Kakashi’s expression of distaste and uses one of the markers he’s planted around the village for his Hiraishin and disappears.

Kakashi shakes his head and replaces his mask with a sigh. He almost feels sorry for Izuna. _Almost_.

~

He wakes several months later, to teeth scraping over his nape and the smell of alcohol. “How drunk _are_ you?”

Tobirama giggles. “A lot. Made a nasty jutsu and put it in the punch, but had to drink so no one would get suspicious. Takes away all those pesky prejudices! Makes them act on any attraction an-and fertilityyyy. Shinobi can’t fiiight when they’re pregnant. Madara looks funny when he waddles.”

It takes him a moment to wrap his brain around that. Largely because a _drunk_ Tobirama is new and the _careless cheer_ is rather unnerving.

“You managed to spike the punch with an aphrodisiac combined with the jutsu you use on me and _no one noticed!?”_

“Yuup. Cuz I drank it too. An-An- But don’t worrrryyy, I only have eyes for youuu. I left when they all started fucking. It was hilariiiious. All the single Senju and Uchiha locked in one room and doooing each other. Bu-But not me, cuz you’re mine.”

“You’re a menace.” He opines.

“Yup! Be-Best menace everrr. Even m-made sure Madara didn’t get any, cuz don’t know what it would dooo. He’s funny when he waddles. Not pretty like you. He’s as big as a _house_. ‘zuna _flutters_ over him, and Hashi’ too. It’s sooo funnyyy.” Tobirama hiccups and then goes limp on top of him, fast asleep and snoring slightly.

Kakashi thinks about it, wondering _just how much_ he’d drunk, then shrugs him off of him and gets up to deposit him on the couch. He actually doesn’t mind sleeping with Tobirama next to him or even on him, but doing so when he smells like a barrel of sake is a bit much to ask. The smell would keep him awake and he needs his sleep to deal with the kids in the morning.

~

Kakashi studies his youngest daughter and strokes the tiny wisps of light brown hair, thinking that she’ll probably look a lot like Tobirama when she’s not so red and funny looking from being born.

“Have you decided what to name her?”

“No.” He never does.

“Haruka, then.”

He smiles, because it’s the same way Reika and Shoma were named, a familiar routine. Just like Sakura’s teakettle hiss of annoyance at Tobirama _daring_. “Hey, Sakura-chan. You want to be Haruka’s godmother?”

Tobirama squawks in outrage. “You want that violent pinky to _what!?”_

Sakura gives Tobirama a smile that’s _all_ teeth and says sweetly, “Why I’d love to, Kakashi sensei.”

Both of them are so busy glaring at each other that they entirely miss his smirk. They’re both going to be enraged by this once they realize who Haruka looks like. An opportunity he can’t bring himself to bypass. Since Shoma looks like him and Reika looks eerily like Hashirama, this is the first time it has come up. _Ahh, nothing quite like trolling two for the price of one_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoma- One who esteems truth/reality. Looks like a mini-Kakashi. Just as blunt, but clumsier than Kakashi was as a kid, and better at communicating.
> 
> Reika- Beautiful flower. Looks like a mini female Hashirama. Probably most like a young Kakashi personality wise, she’s better at making friends.
> 
> Haruka- Spring fragrance. Looks like a mini female Tobirama without the tattoos, but with light brown hair. She...probably inherited Tobirama's sense of humor, maybe crossed with that of older-Kakashi's, but adores Sakura and is determined to be _just like_ her. 
> 
> The kids are all about two years apart. They call Tobirama chichi-ue and Kakashi tou-san or otousan. Tobirama named them all, because Kakashi can’t bring himself to come up with names and truthfully the ones Tobirama picks aren’t bad as far as he’s concerned, even if they are rather Senju-ish.
> 
> Konoha, at least the parts of it who’ve had interaction with him, are basically resigned to Tobirama at this point. While a few, such as Team 7, have the capacity to theoretically match him, he is a somewhat amoral genius with a vicious sense of humor and no one wants to really piss him off and risk having that turned on Konoha.
> 
> Izuna is a _lot_ more receptive to peace and alliance after seeing future Konoha.
> 
> Tobirama is actually about half an inch taller than Kakashi. But Izuna's a good two inches shorter than Kakashi.


	2. Izuna Copes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snips from Izuna's pov

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not edited, feel free to point out typos.

Izuna twitches hard when Tobirama suddenly shows up. Somehow he’d thought that he would have warning before the silver haired bastard appeared again. He should have known better.

Tobirama just stares at him for a moment. “You like men, don’t you?”

“Don’t touch me.”

“Of course not.” Tobirama looks amused. “I wouldn’t do that to my lover. It’d break his squishy little heart.”

“His?” Izuna’s eyes narrow and then he makes a disgusted face. “Don’t tell me you did something weird to Rokudaime-sama and those are _his and your kids_.”

Tobirama has the gall to laugh. “I didn’t think an Uchiha would be smart enough to guess that. Hm…”

The hair back of his neck prickles under the reddish-amber gaze, which looks like its owner is contemplating doing something that Izuna will find extremely unpleasant. Then Tobirama tilts his head.

“Ah. You like both. Interesting. Never mind then.”

 _Thank kami!_ Izuna feels like he’s just dodged a kunai to the throat. “What are you doing here?”

Tobirama gives him a droll look. “Would you prefer to stay? It might be a bit tough to convince your brother that you’re fine if you do.”

Izuna stares at him, then heaves himself out of the chair he’d been reading in. “How did Hashirama get all the nice genes? Take me back.”

~

He stumbles as they land, fighting off a wave of nausea, almost too distracted to notice when Tobirama does something until the seal on his cheek unravels in a burst and his chakra comes flooding back. Izuna bends over, fighting not to puke, then looks up and blinks in shock.

Madara is waiting, fury clear on his face, but not protesting the arm Hashirama has around his shoulders.

“What-?”

“Oh, didn’t I say? Our brothers got married. The Senju and Uchiha are allied and plan to found Konohagakure shortly.” Tobirama says in a tone that makes it clear that the omission was deliberate.

Izuna blinks a few times, but he’s _seen_ future Konoha now. “That’s great, nii-san! I got to see your dream come true in the future and it was _amazing!_ They had Hatakes and Senjus and Uchihas and even Nara and Hyuuga. Just all…working together. And it was _huge_. But, by kami, I’m glad to be back. Even if your face is almost as grumpy as their Uchiha’s.”

He hugs Madara, who looks confused at his enthusiasm, annoyed by the fact that Hashirama is touching him, even if they _are_ married. _And how the hell did they get **that** past the elders?_ To his bafflement, Madara jerks away from the embrace and ends up bent over, retching.

“Maa, maa, don’t you know jostling pregnant men is a bad idea when their stomachs are delicate?” Tobirama informs him mockingly.

Hashirama gives him an apologetic look and rubs Madara’s back. “Madara’s been having an early and rather extreme case of morning sickness. He’ll be okay in a moment…or five.”

Izuna gawks, then says carefully, “I’m going to be an uncle?”

“Technically, since our brothers are married, you’re already an uncle.” Tobirama points out and disappears.

Izuna stares at the now empty spot in horror for a long, long minute, then swings his gaze back to his brother and Hashirama, who have apparently missed the comment. _Fuck it. He’s going to ignore that until it goes away._ Is it possible to disown brother-in-laws? Because he _really, really_ wants to. Now and forevermore.

~

“I hate you all.”

Izuna pauses in rubbing Madara’s belly, giving his brother a wary glance.

 _“Oh kami!_ Don’t stop.” Madara moans.

Obediently he resumes rubbing. Five months in, Madara looks eight months pregnant and the hair-trigger nausea is still going strong. It’s probably good that everyone is in the middle of construction and moving the clans to the village or someone would’ve tried to kill him by now out of sheer frustration or pity. “You know, I hate to suggest it, but you could just ask Tobirama if he has something to help with the nausea.”

Madara stares at him for a minute, then bellows, _“Hashirama!”_

The taller man appears, all but wringing his hands in concern. “Madara?”

“Convince that evil brother of yours to do something about the nausea before I _die!”_

“Hai!” Hashirama shunshins away without hesitation.

It’s nearly an hour later when he returns with a resigned looking Tobirama in tow.

“Do I have to, anija?”

“Yes.”

“Do I have-?”

“Yes! Quit asking.”

“Fine.” Tobirama pulls out a bottle of chakra ink. “Shirt off. Turn over. Izuna, you might want to help prop him up with cushions to keep the weight off the child. This is going to be stupidly complex. And don’t even think about asking me to remove it later.”

“I don’t care, as long as it helps.” Madara grouches.

The brush Tobirama pulls out is tiny, and he takes his time inking the delicate lines in a mind boggling, complex pattern. When he’s done, Madara moans in relief, yawns and promptly goes to sleep. Tobirama gives Izuna and Hashirama a smile that is all teeth and says in an annoyed tone, “You should throw a party and let all those of us who aren’t married get drunk in reward for putting up with his wretchedness for this long. Since we won’t have to, now.”

“That’s a good idea! Izuna, can you arrange it? Is that too much to ask? If Tobi does it, everyone will run away with the mood he’s in.”

“Sure, sure.” Izuna agrees, mostly because _he_ wants a drink in the worst way. A miserable Madara was a demanding one, and he’s been miserable for _months_ now. He and Hashirama have borne the brunt of it, but pretty much everyone has suffered.

~

He nurses his drink and eyes the increasingly handsy Senjus and Uchihas with mild incredulity. Maybe there’s less enmity between the clans than he thought? Weird. His brother will be happy, though.

Izuna has to admit, though, some of the Senju _are_ pretty. He eyes them appreciatively for a while, refilling his glasses at intervals, then happens to get a glimpse of Tobirama. Who looks _amused_. That’s never a good thing. The silver haired bastard gets _far_ too much enjoyment out of making others suffer. After a few minutes, he has a thought, finishes his drink and tries the door.

 _Locked_. And if he’s not mistaken, secured with a barrier jutsu that would give him a migraine to try to break. Oh yeah, they’re all screwed. Whatever Tobirama did, they’re trapped now. At least he’s trapped with them. He turns just in time to see Tobirama give him a wicked grin and disappear. Leaning back against the door, he bangs his head gently against it, feeling like an idiot. _Of course_. With the Hiraishin, Tobirama is nigh impossible to trap.

And now that he thinks about it, Tobirama isn’t exactly _single_. ‘Not married’, perhaps. But certainly taken, with two stupidly cute kids to boot. Which means…the party was a setup from first suggestion. _Ah, screw it. He’s getting another drink._ As long as it doesn’t mean that Tobirama’s trying to kill them all, which he’s pretty sure is off the table, he can’t bring himself to care at the moment.

 _Right. A drink._ But the door is comfy and moving feels like too much effort.

One of the quieter, taller Senju shinobi looms up looking at him like he’s confetto, an older man with blue streaks at the temples of his grizzled brown hair. Izuna blinks at him a few times, vaguely recognizing him as someone he’s clashed with a time or two on the field. Not someone with the towering chakra of the head families of either clan, but skilled enough to make up for it. “You’re that one who fought me with his eyes closed.”

The other man’s mouth quirks into a smile, making the skin around his eyes crinkle with humor. “A shame that. You’re pretty.”

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he’s nebulously aware that normally this man would never have the nerve to say this to him, that he’d normally take it as an insult instead of the compliment it clearly is, but it’s easy to ignore the whisper of logic. Instead, he lets a grin curl his lips and looks the man up and down appreciatively. “Not bad yourself. We can’t get out.”

The smile turns rueful. “So that’s what he did. I wondered when I saw you looking at him and then he left.”

“Mmhm. Wanna fuck?”

“Not in public.”

Behind him, he feels a twinge of chakra and by the other’s face, so does he.

“Oh, it’s conditional?”

Izuna tries the door and almost falls on the floor for his pains when it opens, laughing when the other snags him from ignominy at the last second. “Seems so.”

They shut the door before they leave, and Izuna has a vague thought that he hopes no one tries to kill each other when whatever Tobirama did wears off in the morning. _Eh._ They’re all grown men and women. _Not his problem._

~

Izuna wakes up with a yawn and scrubs his hands over his face. A moment later, he stiffens as he realizes that he is sticky and crusty and draped over a Senju in a bedroom that _most definitely isn’t his_. The Senju moves marginally in his sleep and Izuna shudders slightly as the movement shifts the limp cock inside him, then groans and drops his head back on the man’s shoulder as he realizes.

_That. Silver haired. Bastard._

_That is most definitely not his ass._ How the _hell_ had he managed to inflict Izuna with the same jutsu he used on Madara?

Then he remembers how handsy the others had been getting before they’d left. _Oh kami! The punch!_

“What’s wrong?” The Senju rasps, sounding ungodly _awake_ for someone who had been fast asleep a moment earlier.

 _Everything._ But it isn’t _this_ Senju’s fault. He mumbles, “I just realized I don’t know your name.”

“Yuuma Senju. And you’re…an Uchiha?”

Izuna lifts his head. “Was there any doubt?”

“Ah… Izuna-sama. Erm. How-? I don’t-”

“Tobirama spiked the punch.”

Puzzled silence for a moment. Perhaps understandable, given that the punch had been alcoholic to begin with. “I have a remarkable lack of hangover for that.”

“With a jutsu.” He clarifies. Then he considers. It’s hard to say how much the unwonted friendliness going on last night had been due to alcohol or not. “Or maybe more than one. I’m sure we aren’t the only Uchiha and Senju waking up surprised about now.”

“Mmn. At least it’s a pleasant surprise.”

Izuna blushes, because what can he say to that?

Yuuma flips them over so quickly and unexpectedly that he eeps in surprise, because _that feels weird_. “What’s bothering you?”

The man should be intimidating, pinning him down as he is, _and he is_ , but mostly Izuna just relaxes, feeling reassured by the protectiveness radiating from him. “It was the same jutsu he used on my brother, so…”

He stares at Izuna for a long moment in obvious incomprehension before he gets it and smiles slowly. “Feel like making that a certainty?”

Izuna blinks in surprise, then grins and loops his arms around Yuuma’s neck. “Might as well. I _remember_ , but it’s pretty fuzzy. I could use a refresher.”

~

As it turns out, locking a bunch of Senju and Uchiha in the same room for a night of drunken sex is a bit hard on the architecture once they wake up. No one’s _dead_ or permanently injured, but the building is a dead loss.

A furious Madara and a disappointed Hashirama currently have the respective participants separated, kneeling or sitting in front of them, trying to get an explanation. Izuna isn’t helping matters, just sitting on Yuuma’s lap and giggling now and then. Tobirama, _the bastard_ , is nowhere to be found, and Izuna suspects that he’s off in the other timeline with his lover and kids.

His amusement dims when Madara figures out that he has a better idea of what is going on and turns on him. _“You_ seem quite fine with this, Izuna, so _you_ deal with it.”

“Hai, nii-san.” With a sigh he heaves himself to his feet. “Attention!” He waits until the snarling dies back to mutters. “First of all, since none of you seem to have figured it out, you can blame this all on Tobirama for spiking the punch with a jutsu. Or maybe several. _Including_ the one that was ‘gifted’ to my brother a few months back. So any of you on the receiving end can probably expect to find yourselves pregnant. Something you might want to think about _before_ rejecting your partner and having to raise a child alone. Now. How many are okay with your partner? If you are, raise your hand.”

Surprisingly, there are more Uchiha hands than Senju, but at least ten Senju, which is more than he expected. “Alright. You lot go stand with Hashirama-sama. If your partner is also okay with you, take yourselves off and work out what you’re going to do about it. Peacefully.”

Several Uchiha/Uchiha and Senju/Senju couples walk off without protest, but surprisingly at least three Uchiha/Senju couples do too. That leaves about five standing with Hashirama. Three Senju and two Uchiha. One of them is Touka, Hashirama’s slightly terrifying cousin.

“Okay, then. Whoever found themselves as partners to these-” He indicates the little group. “Come stand beside Madara-sama.”

Only one person moves. A very grouchy looking black haired Senju girl.

“Why are you not okay with your partner?”

“He killed my brother!” She says indignantly.

Izuna raises his eyes to the heavens for a moment and blows out a deep breath. “Okay, fine. You don’t have to marry him. But he’s willing to be responsible, so you _do_ have to accept his help and support raising the child if one results.”

She looks sour. “Fine. I can live with that.”

“Good, good. You two are free to go. You can ask our Clan heads for help if you need mediation.”

The Senju girl hmphs, turns on her heel and stalks off, one of the Uchihas hurrying after her with a worried expression on his face.

Turning back to the small group, he says, “The rest of you drag your partners up here.”

This inspires a predatory grin from the other Uchiha and Touka, and surprised looks from the other two Senju, then they all move to obey. There are some short scuffles, then Touka returns with a pair of sheepish looking Uchiha twins by the ear and the others with their respective partners.

Izuna eyes them critically and can’t see anything that would be a problem with these particular pairings, at least to his knowledge. “The lot of you are _cowards_ and as such have lost the right to object. You _will_ marry and take your spouses’ clan names. Get out of my sight.”

He turns back to the larger groups, crossing his arms. “Any of you whose partner was in the same clan, you can leave and bring it to your respective Clan heads if you or your partner turn up pregnant and you’re still not okay with them. Shoo.”

Unsurprisingly, this gets rid of around a third of the rest, leaving about half the original numbers. _Dammit_. Then he has an evil thought and grins. “The rest of you line up next to your partners. No kicking, biting, weapons, spitting, poking or any other form of attempted sabotage or maiming. If you’re willing to work out some sort of compromise, despite not being okay with each other, line up in front of me. If not, line up in front of Madara-nii and Hashirama-sama. _You_ get to explain to the pregnant man why you want to be asses about it.”

Amusingly, _though unfortunately for him_ , this means a good two-thirds of them pale and end up in front of him instead of Madara and Hashirama. So he spends most of the morning and half the afternoon helping them work out compromises. Except for the two couples who are both female, _and yeah, that surprises him because-_ He eyes them curiously. “Any anatomy changes?”

“No.”

“I have not noticed any.”

“No, Izuna-sama.”

“None.”

“Oh, excellent. Then you’re good to go your separate ways unless one of you mysteriously ends up pregnant from this. Because I’m pretty sure Tobirama didn’t think to account for female couples in his jutsu. It’d probably be a good idea to avoid mentioning to that to him, though. Who knows what he’d come up with _next_ time?”

All four women wince at this and nod emphatically and hurry off their separate ways.

The couple after them is the last, and they look bitter and bored.

“Why would Tobirama-sama do this?” The Senju asks.

“At a guess? He thinks the clans need more kids or thinks if there are more inter-clan couples there will be less temptation to break the alliance.”

“Why does _he_ get out of this, then? _He’s_ not married or engaged.” The Uchiha asks bitterly.

Izuna blinks at him in bafflement, then realizes. _No one knows._ “He has a lover. And two kids.” Then he thinks about it as they gape at him, and clarifies, “A male lover. I wouldn’t be surprised if he ends up with a third kid out of this.”

“Tobirama has kids and _didn’t tell me!?”_

He jumps at Hashirama’s shout right behind him, because _when the hell did he come back?_ Hashirama had hustled off a still-seething Madara _hours_ ago to rest. Clapping a hand over an abused ear, he whirls to glare at his brother-in-law. “You didn’t know?”

“No! How do you know?”

“I told you, didn’t I? He stashed me in some future version of Konoha.”

“I thought that was just a genjutsu!”

Izuna rolls his eyes. “You _do realize_ that his Hiraishin is a time/space fuuinjutsu? I don’t know if it was _our_ Konoha, but it definitely was _a_ Konoha. A real one. His lover is a Hatake called ‘Lord Sixth’ and I’m pretty sure he’s almost as much of an asshole as Tobirama is. Their older kid is a boy who looks like a Hatake, cute little bug. The younger one…uh, might be a girl? She looks just like you. It was _so_ weird.”

“My brother has kids and he _didn’t tell me!_ I’ve never even _met them!_ It’s unfair! You got to meet them, I want to meet them too!” Hashirama wails, looking like he might cry.

He cringes and throws a desperate glance at Yuuma, who has kindly stuck around as support while he’s dealt with crabby couples.

Yuuma gives him an amused, resigned glance and stands up, ushering Hashirama off to bemoan Tobirama being unkind in private. But he pauses to give the couple a hard look before he leaves. “Don’t give him a hard time. If _he_ doesn’t flatten you, I will.”

Izuna blinks at him, but he hears the audible swallowing behind him, and the Senju says, “Hai, taicho!”

When he turns around, both of them look a little pale and he wonders what that’s about. _Well, whatever, as long as they cooperate_. “So… What compromises have you two worked out so far? And which ones do you need mediation on?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know...
> 
> Oh, right. Confetto is a type of sugar candy, around a sesame seed, I think.
> 
> Needless to say, Tobirama's cocktail of jutsus had some conditional triggers set in, none of which accounted for both partners being female. The few who noticed that are carefully _not_ going to mention it. Not sure he'd care anyway unless they annoyed him otherwise, but y'know.  
>  The twins were just embarrassed to prove that they shared a partner, so they didn't want to admit to it. Mostly because the fandom characterization of Touka with an harem amuses the heck out of me.  
> Most of the couples who were totally okay with each other were probably ones who'd been dating already or looking at each other with interest. Most of the partnerings are M/F, just in case it looked otherwise, but heck if I'm going to come up with enough names to convey that properly. Hm... Oh, yes. And this wouldn't be ninjas only, there's civilians mixed in. So a pretty large group overall.


	3. Of Mice and Men

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mice and Uchiha men mix surprisingly badly. So do Tobirama and simple requests.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sorry.
> 
> Oh, and two mice die traumatically, poor things.

Touka eyes the smoking remains of her kitchen, then uses a suiton to put out the faltering flames before they can decide to spread to the rest of the house. Then she turns to her husbands of two months, who are crouched in a nearby tree with identical expressions. Wide eyed and vaguely terrified. _What the fuck?_

“Explain to me why our kitchen is now a pile of smoking floorboards?”

“Th-There w-was a m-mouse.” Riku finally stammers out.

Reo nods emphatically. “It was h-huge!” He holds his hands about three inches apart to demonstrate the size.

“You burned down our kitchen because you saw a mouse.” She repeats flatly.

“It kept dodging!” Reo protests. _As if this is a valid reason to burn down a building._

“And why, exactly, are you in a tree?”

“Th-There was another o-one.” Riku explains. “It g-got away.”

She breathes through her nose, counting to twenty before she’s calm enough to say, “Get down. I’ll protect you from the big, bad mouse. Next time just come and get me instead of burning down the kitchen. Okay?”

They give her identical looks of adoring awe and nod in sync. And don’t move.

Annoyed, she points at the ground and grits out, “Get. Down. … _Now!”_

They land in front of her.

Touka promptly knocks their heads together. “Idiots. Katons are _not allowed_ near buildings. So help me if you do it again I’ll get Hashirama to stick the pair of you on mouse extermination duty for the entire _village! You hear me?”_

The twins rub their heads sheepishly and say in unison, “Yes, meiyo aru tsuma.”

_Honored wife._ Well, they’d _better_ honor her, given that she’s the head of this little household. Which…the house is currently smaller than it was an hour ago. No one had ever told her that Uchiha husbands would be this _destructive._ Or pathologically phobic of tiny rodents. “Go see Daiki about wood to rebuild. I expect a new kitchen by the end of the week. _Or else.”_

Riku gulps and Reo pales.

Touka realizes that her expression probably resembles Tobirama’s when he’s on the verge of committing mayhem in a temper and turns abruptly on her heel and walks away before she can say something she regrets. _Dammit, being married is hard._ Even if they are adorably sweet.

~

Yuuma eyes a scurrying mouse with absent curiosity, then blinks as he abruptly has an armful of Izuna and a moment later Izuna is standing crouched on his shoulders, hands clenched in his hair. An upward glance shows him Izuna staring at the mouse with an expression of fearful horror. _Huh._ Looking at Madara for guidance on this reaction, he notices that Hashirama is eyeing Madara in surprise. _Ah._ Madara’s hands are clenched on Hashirama’s arm and only mild fear is getting through his stoic expression, but he’s _shaking_. He casts another upward glance at Izuna, who is still fixated on the tiny, terrified rodent which has frozen less than a foot in front of him, then suppresses a sigh and deliberately steps on the poor thing.

A moment later, he prompts, “It’s dead. Are you going to stay up there or come down?”

“I th-think I’ll stay up here. What if there’s another one?”

“Wait. Are you _scared of mice!?”_ Hashirama asks tactlessly. _“Both of you?”_

“So what if I am?” Izuna says sharply.

“I am _not_ afraid of a rodent half the size of my palm.” Madara protests sulkily in a tone Yuuma is familiar enough with from Izuna to know means that he _absolutely is_ terrified of mice.

_“You a-!”_ Hashirama starts to crow in delight.

“Hashirama-sama.” Yuuma cuts him off before he can start a fight with his seven months pregnant husband. “Angering your husband is not good for the child. Please restrain yourself. I know you have better manners than this.”

Hashirama looks sheepish. “Ahh. Sorry, Madara. I didn’t mean…”

“At least it wasn’t inside.” Izuna remarks as Madara glowers at Hashirama. “The last time there was one in the house, chichi-ue almost burned it down before haha-ue smacked him and carried it outside.”

Yuuma resists the urge to laugh, then sniffs. “Tell me, is a phobia of mice a clan trait? Because I smell smoke.”

Izuna laughs and buries his face in Yuuma’s hair as much as he can without moving his hands. “Yes. Oh, kami! Someone’s going to be pissed. Hopefully things are only a little scorched.”

He snorts softly, because going by the look on Touka’s face as she stalks towards them, that’s not the case.

She pauses when she gets within easy speaking range to stare at Izuna perched on his shoulders for a long moment, then drops her gaze and sees the very flat spot of bloody fur on the ground. “Ah, so that’s where it went. I had to coax my pair out of a tree because they thought it might come back. Hashirama, I might need a bit of a loan. The only thing left of the kitchen is a few half-burnt, smoking floorboards.”

Madara clears his throat. “The Uchiha clan will pay for your loss. These things are in the clan budget.”

Touka _stares_ at him for a long moment. “I’ll pass, thanks. They’re Senjus. Hashirama-”

“We can just make it a grant this time, Touka. Since it looks like we don’t have the right laws for the village to appropriately handle this kind of thing yet.” Hashirama offers.

She rolls her eyes. “Again, no. This kind of thing is _not_ acceptable. Offering grants instead of loans will only encourage them to use katon inside despite the fact that any person over eight should _know_ how hazardous that is. They are _not_ allowed to endanger my child just because they’re scared white of tiny rodents. And _you_ are not allowed to encourage them in their idiocy. Am I clear?”

“Now you sound like Tobirama.” Hashirama whines.

“Most likely because he got all the brains in the family.” Touka says heartlessly, ignoring the dramatic drooping with admirable aplomb.

~

Tobirama doubts the wisdom of using the marker tagged on Hashirama and his towering chakra signature as the most convenient marker back to this time and timeline approximately twenty seconds after doing so. Being gone three months means he should be back in time for Madara to give birth, in case of complications during the delivery, given that Konoha currently has nowhere near the medical skill of future Konoha available, but long enough for people to settle down about the results of that drinking party. After all, being amused at the expense of others is only fun if they don’t all try to simultaneously lynch one. Mostly, though, he regrets his choice of marker because Hashirama immediately breaks into tears and flailing.

“You got married and had kids without telling me! _How could you!?_ I haven’t even met them! I want to _meeeeet_ them! You should bring them here, so we all can meet them. I can’t believe you let Izuna meet them and not your own brother!”

Completely caught off guard, Tobirama _snarls_. “No! You can’t! _They’re MINE!”_

Hashirama rears back from the vociferousness of his response, hurt in his eyes. “I’m not going to hurt them, Tobirama. No one here would hurt them. They’d be safe here.”

_“No! MINE!”_ Unwilling to have this argument, he turns away sharply and uses his marker on Touka to jump away from his stupid anija. _Stupid, stupid, stupid anija. MINE!_

His abrupt appearance startles the two Uchihas sitting at the table with Touka, but she merely looks at him. “What’s wrong?”

“Anija wants to meet my kids. To bring them _here._ I can’t- He can’t- They’re _mine!”_

“And you don’t think they’d be safe here.” She surmises.

“You know they wouldn’t. There’s people in both clans who would cheerfully slit their throats just to get back at me. But not just that, Touka. Time allows people to go _forward_ and _back to their proper places_ , but _backwards?_ I don’t know and I’m not willing to risk it. Kakashi’s _pregnant._ And even if I was? Which I never will be. He’s a Hatake. If something happened to them because of me, he’d figure out how to hunt me down and torture me to death, _and I’d let him!_ I don’t- How could anija even _ask_ that of me?”

“Shh.” She stands and hugs him, letting him huff silent, tearless sobs into her shoulder.

“Um. Does Hashirama-sama _understand_ the risks of what he’s asking?”

He stiffens at the light, hesitant male voice. _The Uchihas. He’d forgotten they were there._

Touka hugs him a little harder. “They’re my husbands, Riku and Reo Senju. Just ignore them. They won’t tell _anyone_ about this, _now will you, Riku, Reo?”_

“No, meiyo aru tsuma.” They both say in subdued tones. Apparently they hadn’t expected a reprimand.

It’s enough to break him out of his betrayed grief and he chuckles, sounding rougher than he’d like. “You’ve trained them well.”

“Mmn. Mostly. They did burn down the kitchen last month. Some nonsense about _very scary_ three inch mice. You can’t tell me you don’t have yours trained, though.”

Tobirama barks a laugh. “I used to think so. He pretends to, because it suits him, because he doesn’t have a lot of regard for his own well-being, because he can’t be bothered to rebel. But Touka, he can take care of the kids, read that terrible porn of his, and _still_ listen to my theories without his eyes glazing over. He tends to have good suggestions about them, too. Kakashi _retired_ as Konoha’s leader because he was _bored_ of paperwork and had a student who wanted to do it. That’s not someone who can’t get around my obedience seal or damned well break it if he wants to. Half the time he only goes along with what I say because it drives others nuts.”

She draws back, looks him directly in the eyes, and says softly, “You love him?”

_He freezes, because-_ Then he lets go of it, and breathes almost inaudibly, “Yes. Yes I do.”

“Good.” After a moment, she smiles. “So, an obedience seal? What? Did you use that one that shuts down the chakra network if removed?”

“Of course. What else would I use on a total stranger?” Better now, he steps away from her embrace and studies the two Uchih- Senjus. They’re about his age, a few years younger than Touka. Black eyes, black, somewhat spiky hair just past their ears in length, dressed alike. So similar that he can’t tell them apart. “Twins?”

“Hai, Tobirama-sama. I’m Riku, and this is my otouto Reo.”

Tobirama inclines his head. “Nice to meet you. If you ever hurt Touka I’ll leave you in a timeline so different from this one that you’ll beg me to kill you.”

To his surprise, they only pale slightly before trading looks.

“Izuna-sama was right. You’re scary.” Reo observes, not sounding scared at all.

“Why not just kill us outright?” Riku asks curiously.

He shrugs. “Touka might want you back.”

They both nod at this like it makes perfect sense, which is _not_ the reaction he is used to.

Tobirama looks at Touka, who has retaken her seat. “I like them. They might even be worth keeping.”

Touka laughs. “Have dinner with us? I’ll update you on what you’ve missed. The Hatakes showed up and moved in a couple weeks ago, but-”

He takes the one empty chair and settles in to listen to the soothing sound of her voice talking about the developments in the village and other events. It was nice to spend uninterrupted time with Kakashi and the kids, but he’s missed this. This is where he belongs, because he’s a part of the now, not the future, much as he might wish otherwise at times.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Riku (written: ‘wise sky’) Senju- The older of Touka’s twin husbands. Spiky black hair, black eyes. Born an Uchiha.
> 
> Reo (written: ‘wise harmony’) Senju- The younger of Touka’s twin husbands. Spiky black hair, black eyes. Born an Uchiha.
> 
> Somehow a discussion on countries of origin devolved into a religious discussion and ended up on people terrified of mice. And may have dipped into how Sakura and Kaguya are largely parallels of each other somewhere in there. No, wait…that might have been afterwards? Eh. So…you’re welcome? Haha.
> 
> The Hatake’s sent to mark out their land showed up right after the mouse incident. And promptly cited it as sufficient reason to locate a good two miles out from the semi-combined Senju-Uchiha clan sections, arguing that unaffiliated civilians would feel safer if the clans were guarding the outskirts of the village, thus be more likely to settle. They took a couple days clearing land, then showed up en masse to build several houses and promptly moved in. The Shimuras and Utatanes likewise have sent representatives, but want more central locations and have only started clearing land in preparation to move. …yeah, yeah, that got copied over from Spots and Silver, but whatever. It’s not like I bothered with worldbuilding on this one. They’re all canon clans, at least.
> 
>  
> 
> **Timelines Omake:**
> 
> _*Do we care if they go back or forwards or sideways?*_  
>  _*Nah.*_  
>  _*Who cares as long as they don’t provoke world-ending catastrophes? At least they’re interesting creatures.*_  
>  _*I care. The Uchiha ones_ itch _when they jump. And if that persistent one doesn’t quit bouncing off of me, I’m going to sneeze on him.*_  
>  _*Sneeze him my way if you do. I’ll keep him. Out of Uchihas currently, y’know.*_  
>  _*Shut it. I’m trying to sleep.*_  
>  _*You wouldn’t need to sleep if-*_  
>  _(devolves into endless petty bickering)_


	4. Realizations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some past snips of Kakashi and Tobirama, current snip of Izuna.

Kakashi is sulking when Tobirama next shows up. He looks up at the sudden, too-near chakra presence and promptly dumps his seven month old son into Tobirama’s arms and stalks off to find his bed.

It’s not that he doesn’t love his son, but he really needs sleep at this point. And baby sitters are scarce at the moment. Sakura and Naruto and Sasuke are all out of the village for various reasons, Tsunade flatly refused, Iruka’s far too busy as a teacher to be a regular help, and Gai… Well. He’s still avoiding Gai, mostly because Shoma has taken a hysterical dislike to the man’s loudness and screams himself sick if Gai attempts to hold him or gets too close for his liking. Lee provokes a similar reaction. As for Hinata, Shoma seems to regard her as a large and not quite friendly predator, always going still and silent when she’s in close proximity, and smelling distinctly of unease/wispy fear.

 _Kakashi_ knows the girl is entirely harmless, but convincing his not yet mobile puppy of that is a losing proposition. Besides, it’s never wise to make a child doubt their instincts, particularly ninja children. It’s a given that the village will demand Shoma become a ninja, even if he ends up strictly a paper pusher...which, giving his parents, well, that’s unlikely.

All of which means that Kakashi hasn’t gotten enough sleep to survive on for nearly three weeks now and he’s sulky and self-pitying as a result. So he _really needs his sleep_. He feels zero guilt for dumping the puppy on Tobirama, given the instance of his conception. The semi-sociopathic asshole can take care of _his_ son for a while for once. If Shoma decides to scream the entire time, for once it’s _not his problem_. Thank kami.

He doesn’t even bother kicking off his shoes before faceplanting into the pillows and dropping into a dreamless sleep.

~

When he wakes it feels like it’s been merely a few minutes, but given the stiffness in his muscles, it’s been long hours instead. If there’s one thing he envies Tobirama, it’s the stupid resilience of youth. Pushing up on his elbows, he scrubs his hands across his face groggily.

Then he tenses sharply, remembering that he had qualmlessly handed his son off to a _sociopath_ before passing out. “Shit!” he whispers in annoyance.

It’s not that he thinks Tobirama will harm the puppy, he’s far too interested in the safety of his ‘legacy’ for that. Just… No. No, Tobirama wouldn’t just take Shoma and leave. That would negate the purpose of having his children raised in a ‘safe place’. He forces himself to relax and roll out of bed to go see what’s happened in his absence.

The scene in his livingroom makes him blink repeatedly and finally resort to very quiet “Kai!” in an attempt to break the apparent genjutsu.

It doesn’t help. Gai is still holding and playing some game with Shoma, who is giggling on his lap. Lee’s voice is still emanating from the kitchen in counterpoint to a quieter, precise voice that he recognizes as belonging to the Tobirama brat.

He narrows his eyes.

Yes, there’s a vague memory of attempting to rise from sleep in response to his puppy screaming, and a firm voice saying “Sleep” and carrying him back into cozy darkness. _Just how long_ has he slept? Long enough for Shoma to get over his dislike of Gai, which cannot have been a quick thing given past encounters. He clears his throat, attracting Gai’s attention.

“So, how long have I been out?”

“Eternal Rival!” Gai stage whispers, which at least explains somewhat why Shoma isn’t screaming and attempting to get away. Hatake hearing doesn’t deal well with excessive auditory input, particularly when very young. “This is your third day of rest, but your most youthful lover assures me that you simply needed the sleep! You can rest assured that Lee and I were most eager to help out in your time of infirmity! Your most youthful lover has been quite strict with your son, but I feel that he is a good father to him. I regret that I at first questioned your judgement in choosing someone like him, but I am happy to report that your judgement has once again proven quite sound!”

Kakashi stares at him, fighting not to wince at every sentence and each repetition of ‘youthful’ having the unintentional effect of making him feel ancient. _Fuck it._ He shakes his head and goes to the kitchen for a glass of water.

“Kakashi-san!” Lee exclaims loudly upon spotting him.

He staggers at the sudden volume, then ends up blinking as Tobirama’s hands steady him. The movement from cooking peacefully at the stove to being in front of Kakashi a bit disorienting in its speed.

“Indoor voice, Lee-san.” Tobirama chastises. “You’re hurting his ears.”

Lee looks contrite and lowers his volume to a stage whisper. “I beg your pardon, Kakashi-san. I did not realize that your ears are as sensitive as your most youthful son’s.”

Kakashi squints at him. “What’s up with the normal clothes?”

Lee _droops,_ looking sad. “Tobirama-kun demanded I burn all my jumpsuits and leg warmers as penance for scaring Shoma-kun.”

_He is not going to laugh, he is not going to laugh, he is not-_

Kakashi ends up coughing raspily, with Tobirama easing him into a chair while Lee fetches a glass of water to ease his dry throat. He’d protest the fussing, but he honestly does not remember the last time he ate or drank and that was _before_ passing out. Not that fussing would do anything to dissuade Tobirama from manhandling him. The asshole brat enjoys a challenge a little _too_ much, in his opinion.

 Tobirama has yet to hurt him beyond the initial concussion used to ambush him, but it’s a bit humiliating to be overpowered by someone half his age, younger even than the now-grown Team Seven. Even if he is another version of the Nidaime. After all, Kakashi’s been a jounin longer than Tobirama has been alive and did a stint as the Rokudaime along the way, too.

Short nails scrape through the hair at the base of his skull and he relaxes automatically, reflexively putting the almost empty water glass down. This is a problem. He’s not sure why, whether Tobirama somehow has an extensive pre-knowledge of Hatakes that exceeds Kakashi’s own by a fair bit, or if he’s just that observant, or if he just has a similar set of instincts that he acts on without thought, but this only confirms the hypothesis that he came up with during their first, extended encounter. Tobirama has a _knack_ for touching him in ways that appeal to his instincts on so basic a level that Kakashi is hard put to resist his own reactions. And those are the ones he’s aware of ahead of time. So far, Tobirama has managed to provoke a whole range of _(mostly submissive)_ reactions he had no prior idea to having within himself. As such, the obedience seal is largely superfluous, particularly now that it’s countered by the Yamanaka seal on sensitive information. It’s annoying, to be sure, as his autonomy is important to him. But this? This is actually more dangerous on a personal level, the ability to get past his defenses effortlessly. And worst of all, he doesn’t dislike it.

He goes still at the thought, then tries to shake off Tobirama’s hand so he can think clearly.

All he gets for his pains is a firm, if gentle, grip on his nape for a moment before the fingers go back to lightly scritching his scalp. His lips quirk as he realizes that he’s being treated like a restless pet dog. The fact that it _works_ shouldn’t be _comforting_ , but it is. He teases the reaction apart, needing to understand it.

 _Oh. Of course._ Part of it is that he honestly does not believe that Tobirama is a threat to Konoha. Not unless Konoha changes enough to be a threat to raising Shoma safely. That would be directly against his stated purpose for coming here in the first place. Further, he has respected Tsunade’s authority and refrained from returning Sakura’s hostility. Not to mention that some part of him is _convinced_ that the Nidaime would never harm Konoha. Which is a dangerous assumption, as _this_ Tobirama is not and never has been the Nidaime. Abrogating that is the fact that the two versions of Tobirama clearly share some traits, and he’s unlikely to turn on Konoha unless it gives him a clear cut reason to. Thus he can be counted as a neutral party to Konoha, neither ally nor enemy. The _other_ part of it is more personal. Hatakes are one person men, and Hatakes _do not submit_ to those who are not respected allies and leaders _or_ to those they accept as lifepartners. Tobirama is clearly not the first, so apparently his brain has categorized him as the latter. He knows himself well enough to know that it’s too late to change that; it was too late to change the moment that he acknowledged him as Shoma’s father and let him name him.

_“Shit!”_

Tobirama leans down to peer at him. “Kakashi?”

Kakashi had _not_ meant to say that out loud. “It’s nothing. But if you would let me finish my water, I’d appreciate it.”

The looks he gets clearly state that neither Tobirama nor Lee believe that his outburst means nothing, but neither call him on it, and Tobirama drops his hand without protest.

~

He tells Naruto, because of course he does. His Hokage needs to be aware of the danger.

It’s a measure of how much Naruto has grown that he doesn’t immediately proclaim that Kakashi will never do such a thing, a measure of his respect for Kakashi’s abilities that he doesn’t declare that he will stop him if he does. If he ever turns on Konoha, Naruto would be the first one he’d take out and Sasuke the second. They’re both too powerful to allow to get a firm grasp on the situation and fight back properly.

Chances are low that Kakashi would willingly turn on Konoha for his life partner’s whims, but chances had been equally low that Tobirama would choose to hop through time and timelines, that the first person he’d run into would be Kakashi, and that Kakashi would find himself unconsciously accepting him as _his_. There’s always a _chance_ , no matter how miniscule, that Tobirama’s reason would match something within Kakashi’s morality enough that it could happen.

Retirement dulls reflexes, yes, but Kakashi’s been a ninja of the Leaf since the age of five, he’s been ANBU, he’s been _Kage_. No amount of lazy retirement is enough to _erase_ those skills or degrade them enough to make them not a very viable threat. And Kakashi’s never been lazy about his skills; there’s no chance he’ll ever let them degrade enough that he’s unable to protect his child, his students, his village from a threat.

Naruto nods slowly, holding his gaze. “I’ll assign an ANBU to you. Primarily for extra protection, but with a secondary mission of ensuring you’re not a threat to the village.”

Kakashi grimaces, because he’s managed to avoid having ANBU follow him around since retirement, but he really has no better ideas on the matter. And even Tsunade has an ANBU shadow for protection. “Acceptable.”

~

Tobirama is puzzled when Kakashi finishes his water, then stalks out, only to return a bit later with a masked guard in tow and introduces him to Shoma before letting the guard inconspicuously fade into the background. Kakashi’s obnoxiously loud Eternal Rival and his equally obnoxiously loud student look surprised and a bit worried at the addition. Gai also casts Tobirama a brief look after seeing the guard, which is enough to alert him that _he_ is probably the reason behind it.

That doesn’t clear up _why_ , though. After all, Kakashi had saved the privilege of naming their son for him, and had handed over Shoma without a trace of worry to go sleep off his exhaustion. And the guard, after a long look, has proceeded to ignore him, obviously discounting him as an immediate threat.

Then he remembers Kakashi practically melting under his touch, trying to shake him off, then swearing and politely asking him to stop so he could finish drinking his water. _Oh, he doesn’t trust himself_. After all, there is no reason that Tobirama’s absent petting should’ve stopped Kakashi from continuing to drink. Not unless Kakashi was having an abnormally strong reaction to it. His body language had been wrong for the reaction to have been sexual. _He doesn’t trust himself to respond appropriately if I become a threat to him or Shoma._

That bespeaks a deeper bond than expected on Kakashi’s part. Far deeper. _He’s in love with me and was upset when he realized it_. How convenient.

~

Izuna eyes the weasel contract that Tobirama has handed him out of the blue, then asks, “Is this a joke about my name?”

Tobirama, the bastard, just blinks at him blankly. “Your name? Ah. No. Although if you’d like it to be?”

He scowls, because there’s no reason he can think of to give him a precious, if minor, summoning contract if making fun of him isn’t the goal. “Then why, exactly, are you giving this to me?”

“Why not? Besides, weasels are good at catching small rodents. If you don’t want it, I’ll give it to Touka’s twins. At least they’d appreciate it.”

“No!” Izuna yelps, clutching the contract as he belatedly realizes that Tobirama has undoubtedly heard of the Mouse Incident, as Yuuma calls it, and is being uncharacteristically benevolent in offering him a way to deal more calmly with the terrifying rodents. “No, I’ll take it. Thank you.”

He’s not even disappointed when the breed of weasels the contract summons is unusually small. They assure him that they are ferocious killers of mice and can even take down rabbits or birds if necessary, and their small size just makes it easier for them to follow prey into boltholes and eliminate nests.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are a couple misconceptions in Kakashi’s and Tobirama’s respective povs. Tobirama is not a sociopath, though he has some tendencies, and Kakashi doesn’t totally believe that anyway. Kakashi is not currently in love with him despite his attachment, but Tobirama doesn’t have a complex understanding of relationships.
> 
> Kakashi is very happy to be able to interact with his best friend peaceably again.
> 
> Izuna still has no idea why _he_ was offered the contract. The answer is that Yuuma happened to be on the same mission when Tobirama found the contract unexpectedly and asked him to offer it to Izuna first.


	5. Roads Not Taken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A series of Omakes about things that _didn't_ happen in this fic storyline, but plausibly _could have._
> 
> Featuring 3 guest authors as well as a couple of my own Omakes.

**Omake: Itachi.** _or_ **Because Itachi is called weasel. (Courtesy of[YoKoChi150](https://archiveofourown.org/users/YoKoChi150/pseuds/YoKoChi150))**

_(Translated from Spanish via google)_

"... And that's how you got your name Itachi, for the intrepid and cunning animals that helped rid our clan of the most fearsome of the plagues ..." Fugaku said his 4 year old little genius son.

~

Years later, after the Uchiha Massacre, Itachi would remember the words of his father and not be able to avoid comparing them with his actions.

 

**Omake: Why no one will ever make dark-Tobirama Hokage.**

Tobirama sulks. "I'm bored. I still don’t know what maggot possessed people to vote me in as Hokage.”

His bravest aide, the Sarutobi boy, raises a brow at him. “What now?”

 “All this utterly pointless paperwork! I told them no one wanted this form." Or actually, he’d said he never wants to see it cross his desk and the collective clan heads and civilian council had roundly ignored him. Something about ‘integral to the village infrastructure’, which it’s _clearly not_.

Hiruzen rolls his eyes and goes back to stamping a pile of paperwork that doesn’t actually need the Hokage’s signature. The Utatane girl excuses herself to ‘go make tea’, which is code for ‘work on organizing something, _anything_ , that isn’t annoying him directly at the moment’. The Aburame girl, Chiaki, just huffs softly and says in a polite tone, “Please at least _pretend_ to do your paperwork, Hokage-sama.”

 _That_ is an excellent idea.

He pulls out a stack of unmarked paper and starts doodling and jotting down theory ideas. If he looks busy no one will have the nerve to interrupt him except to hand him the few papers that actually need his signature, which he can trust to Hiruzen and Chiaki to sort out properly and check to make sure it’s not something he should avoid signing. Such as these pointless forms. Pausing for a moment, he flips through to make sure they’re all the unwanted form and promptly dumps the waste of paper and ink into the trashcan.

People should really _listen_ when he says ‘no’.

~

_Much later that day…_

Currently male, Touka stomps in looking furious. "TOBIRAMA! WHAT DID YOU _DO!?"_

Tobirama flinches slightly, because Touka is someone whose opinion he actually cares a lot about. "Put a jutsu on the water supply? It will wear off in a couple months."

Touka narrows her-his eyes at him. "And?"

Tobirama gives her-him a blank look for a moment, then nods. "Well, it will last to the end of pregnancy if you get them pregnant."

Touka stares at him for a long moment, obviously calculating the benefits of letting the twins suffer through pregnancy instead of carrying her next child herself.

"You're forgiven." She-He says curtly, but with a twist of amusement in her-his tone, and stalks out.

 

**Omake: AU Yuuma vs mouse vs Touka** _or_ **Yuuma’s Nightmare. (Courtesy of SectorDweller)**

_(Second language author.)_

Yuuma decided to end this madness with mice, looked at the mouse and directed a decisive stomp at it.

 “Wh- OW! UGH! Damn it!” Instead, he hit his foot on the ground while the mouse dodged it, squeaking back to Yuuma who growled. “WHY, YOU-!”

 At that point, the mouse zoomed happily and merrily while Yuuma stomped the ground after it again.

 “Argh!” He squished the grass, he hit a rock, splashed into a puddle of mud, kicked a tree, tripped on its roots and fell face-first into the aforementioned puddle, swatted at the poor thing, stomped after it again, squooshed into the earth after it again... it went on for around two hours.  Anyone watching could have seen him sending chunks of earth flying off of a plowed field too. There were many casualties among the crops and numerous other types of vegetation, while the mouse showed great stamina and determination in the face of Yuuma’s onslaught.

 Eventually, Yuuma started to stomp on some sort of pavement. It didn’t matter where he was anymore - all that mattered was catching this mouse and hindering the menace from endangering anyone who was inside the house that it had gone through.

 Once his foot bonged on the wooden floor inside and the other foot contrastingly landed in a surprisingly soft and cushy rug, Yuuma sensed that something was off. He looked up. Touka was hanging from a chandelier on the ceiling, quite stoically and unwavered if he might add.

 “The enemy has hidden behind the fridge!” she commanded, “A stomp into the cupboard has a 70% chance of scaring it out in alarm. Don’t kick the panel! Minimize damage by stomping the-”

 “Touka?”

 “The-... What is it?”

 “Why are you up on the chandelier?”

 “Erm... I am taking a tactical vantage point to assess the combat situation!”

 “But Touka... It’s just a tiny little mouse.”

 “How can you say that!? You have seen what the enemy is capable of! Its swiftness surpasses that of our best shinobi. If we do not take it seriously, it could exert serious exploits upon our defenses.”

 “........You need to teach me how you say that with a straight face.”

 “You could do with a straight face yourself. It’s grimacing due to your recent failings on the battlefield.”

 “Get down here!”

 “No, you get up here.”

 Then they both had dinner on the ceiling while the mouse nommed on cheese.

 

**Omake: Why one should avoid annoying timelines or attracting their interest. (Dark version.)**

Itchy Timeline: *Ah-Ah-AhCHOO!*

Uchiha-less Timeline: (snags sneezed Uchiha) *Thanks! Got him!*

At first, Obito thinks some enemy interfered with his Kamui, because where he ends up is _definitely not where he was going!_ But he quickly realizes that while he can still go _where_ he wants within the world and to some extent _when_ , leaving the timeline is… _impossible_. Every attempt meets with a pressure that he can’t quite define and… _fails_.

Still, he’s not one to give up. He tries again. And again. And again. He tries and tries and _tries_. Because he is an Uchiha and Uchihas are not allowed to fail.

On approximately the hundredth try, though, the pressure is accompanied by a very firm and chiding impression of _*No.*_ An impression of something so far from human that it leaves him cold and shaking, teeth chattering in the mild afternoon breeze and huddling on the ground too afraid to move for a few hours.

Or that could have been the abrupt chakra exhaustion. Hard to tell. The-The-The… _entity_ had somehow sucked out all his chakra in that single instant, leaving him no better off than an invalided civilian.

 _Apparently he is not allowed to leave_.

The problem, of course, is that he has no idea what the entity _wants_ from him. All attempts to talk to it to demand _or beg_ to know what the condition is that he needs to fulfill before leaving are met with _resounding silence_.

Three months of unnatural chakra exhaustion later, he finally resigns himself to the possibility that ‘not allowed to leave’ _is the condition_ , and he’s simply stuck here. He voices the thought aloud, because that seems like the thing to do. And _as simple as that_ his chakra is back, full force.

So, apparently, _he is not allowed to leave. EVER._

When he finally bothers to start checking out the situation of this world, given that he’s never _been here_ before, and is now stuck for the foreseeable future, the first thing he finds out is that the Uchiha and Senju clans are both extinct and have been since the Second Shinobi War.

Konoha gives him the _creeps_. The streets filled with resigned looking civilians and minor clan ninjas, with blank-eyed Hyuuga branch members and weary Naras wearing the symbol for _police_. A few Uzumakis here and there, all but oozing chakra, but looking like they’re really no happier to be here than Obito is. It’s horrible, making the rough and tumble Konoha of his childhood memories look like a paradise in comparison. He can’t leave fast enough.

 _No, really. He can’t leave fast enough_.

Because apparently, somewhere along the way, Tobirama Senju perfected the Edo Tensei to an eerie degree, and now rules as the undead Kage of Konoha because some poor desperate fool was crazy enough to sacrifice some traitorous Uzumaki to the jutsu and _summon him back_. Which is how Obito ends up in a place that reminds him of a cross between T &I and Orochimaru’s private lab, firmly restrained with his chakra suppressed to uselessness. With a really creepy dead guy poking and prodding at him like some inconsiderate med nin with no bedside manner, and remarking at how well-made he is and speculating about his fusion of bloodlines and who managed to get ahold enough DNA of both clans to ‘create’ him.

Quite honestly, Obito would tell him the truth of his origins _if he could_ , because the guy is downright terrifying, and he says that as someone who was trained by Madara and Black Zetsu and grew up an Uchiha orphan-outcast. But Tobirama the undead apparently isn’t interested in anything he has to say, because Obito is gagged with some sort of device that keeps him from closing his teeth together or talking. And it’s not removed even after Tobirama ascertains that he has no hidden suicide pill on his person.

At this point, Obito’s beginning to wonder if the Uchiha and Senju didn’t just commit suicide-by-enemy in _self-defense_.

 _(I’ll leave it to your twisty minds where **that**_ _ends up.)_

 

**Omake: If Kakashi had an actual opinion on his son’s name.** _or_ **Why they both agreed on the name Tobi. (Courtesy of Gabranth123)**

When he wakes up from giving birth, something he’d _insisted_ Tsunade knock him out for because _nope, nope, nope, not going through that while conscious_ , Sakura looks like she wants to murder someone. Following her gaze, he sees Tobirama has come and is cradling a rather red and bald baby while Tsunade speaks with him quietly.

 Then Tobirama looks at him. “Awake, I see.”

 Kakashi doesn’t answer, but Tobirama only grins at his silence.

 “My grand-niece informs me that I’m not allowed to give him the Senju name. Have you chosen a name for him yet?”

~

 Kakashi closed his eyes, as he has been too occupied with, everything, to give it real thought.  However, within a moment of internal silence, his muse hits him.  The perfect name.

 "Obito," Kakashi declared, "we shall name him Obito."

 Tobirama looked down at the babe, and idly nodded, though immediately after he sighed and shook his head.

 "Obito, with the sharingan?  Nice try."

 Sakura glared.  "You bastard.  I know, how about-"

 "Hush," Tobirama ordered, and held up his hand for emphasis.  "I know."

 Sakura glowered.  Kakashi sighed.

 "We'll call him Tobi.  Just like his old man." he grinned triumphantly.

 Sakura tilted her head, and looked at Kakashi.  Kakashi kept a perfect poker face.

  _He doesn't know about the Akatsuki_ , Kakashi thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (mumble, mumble _notes_ mumble, mumble)  
>  If you'd like to read where _my_ twisty brain took the Obito Omake, [click here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16002113).  
>  **Note:** The Obito Omake isn't a darker version of this fic, it was a darker of two choices to write about Obito that I had in my head at the time.


	6. In which a Nara and a Hatake nosily change history.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snips of life in Tobirama's Konoha, revolving around Tobirama and the election for Shodaime Hokage, mostly.

“Who do you think should be Hokage?”

Tobirama blinks, because yes, he knows that electing the leader of the village is important, and yes, he knows as immediate family he should have expected to be asked, but somehow he really hadn’t _expected_ anyone to ask him. His temperament is not one that normally draws people other than Hashirama and Touka to ask his opinion.

Of course, he’s already shifted the future, that’s undeniable, but he’s still not certain if it’s enough to send it down a less bloody path than it had gone down in Kakashi’s timeline. The thought of it repeating because his brother is elected gives him chills, because so many of his own clan are intertwined with the Uchihas now. And even though he trusts that his seal on Madara will keep his sanity more or less intact whether Madara likes it or not _(the fact that it alleviates the pregnancy-related balance-perception issues and a couple other things giving him excessive nausea is rather incidental to the seal, quite honestly)_ , he doesn’t quite trust him to not make the same mistakes in reverse as he and Hashirama had made in Kakashi’s timeline. Neither are acceptable outcomes.

“Hm… Maybe Izuna?” To be honest, he was rather impressed with what he heard of Izuna’s dealing with the aftermath of his little jutsu. And he actually listens to Yuuma, who is a very practical man. Quite the opposite of either Madara or Hashirama.

The Hatake, _one of their younger elders if he’s not wrong,_ looks surprised. “I would’ve thought you’d have said Hashirama. Why Izuna?”

“Saa, both Hashirama and Madara are clan heads, so they’re already busy. Plus, Izuna’s quite practical, not given to fits of ebullience or temper that could be taken badly by other clans or leaders. I won’t say that he’s better at listening, but he does listen to his husband, who is quite good at listening. He’s good at sorting out public issues between clans, and he has the trust of both Madara and Hashirama.”

“Interesting points. I find it intriguing that you, your brother and Madara all recommend your former rivals, while Izuna chooses to abstain from an opinion, claiming that he’s biased on the matter.” The Nara with him comments.

It is interesting, but rather pointless, so Tobirama shrugs. “We’re all biased, but you already knew that. Normally, I would recommend my brother and Izuna would recommend his. You know that as well. But I’ve seen a future where my brother became Hokage and it did not please me as much as one might expect. And I’ve no reason to trust Madara even as far as I can throw him. Nor am I ignorant to the fact that I would be a terrible choice as Hokage. Even my own clan doesn’t trust me that much. There are few others who are strong enough ninjas to be considered for the position. As much as some may resent that, it is undeniable that most clans would be reluctant to follow a leader who was not more powerful personally than they are. Not to mention that few would trust one who could not be impartial when faced with decisions, which leaves aside many candidates all on its own. Which you also know. Now, was there anything else?”

The Nara smirks and points at a section of the experiment he’s plotting out on paper. “This calculation is incorrect.”

He frowns at it, mentally checking it, then swears and grabs a fresh sheet of paper to start over on. _Dammit, hours wasted!_ Then he points a finger at the Nara, who is not quite successful in stifling his chuckle. “Resign yourself to checking over my equations for the foreseeable future.”

Few are the minds who can understand what he works on well enough to spot errors. Besides, watching the Nara deflate is satisfying.

“Troublesome.” The man complains, ignoring the Hatake who laughs and claps him on the shoulder.

“Couldn’t keep your mouth shut, could you?”

Tobirama’s eyes narrow at the Hatake, because that implies that _he_ noticed as well and simply didn’t comment, but after a moment decides to let it go. For now.

~

“Tobirama? Do you happen to know why I’ve had a sudden increase in people showing up to mostly stare at me lately?”

“No.” Tobirama says shortly, scowling at the plans for a sewer. There’s definitely something wrong with them, but he hasn’t quite spotted it yet. “Izuna, can you see what’s wrong with these? I’ve been staring at them for an hour and I _know_ something’s off, but I can’t find it.”

Izuna leans over his shoulder, then has to grab it and the table so he doesn’t faceplant as his belly overbalances him. “Hmn… They look alright to me? But maybe a little small? I mean, it looks like you’ve planned for more clans and some civilians, but what are you going to do when those who are genin age need houses and stuff? Are those going on a secondary system?”

He sighs and rubs his temples. “That’s it. Thanks, Izuna. Aren’t you due soon?”

“Saa, another month yet. And thank kami that I’m not having twins like nii-san and Touka. It’s a good thing Hashirama is good at calming him and them down. I don’t think he’d manage without him.”

“I should hope not.” Tobirama replies absently. “That’s my anija you’re talking about.”

Izuna gives him a funny look before straightening awkwardly. “That’s not what I meant. Have fun with those plans.”

Tobirama gives him a dry look and reaches for more paper. Only Izuna would think he was having _fun_ drafting civic infrastructure.

Then he pauses. A moment later, he follows Izuna out the door, arms full of plans and extra drafting paper. After all, there’s no reason he has to do this _personally_ , and he knows a Nara and a Hatake he can dump this on. As long as the end result is acceptable, it doesn’t matter who drafts the plans.

~

When Ouki Hatake raises both brows in surprise, Sunao Nara follows his friend’s gaze curiously and finds Tobirama Senju stalking towards them with an armload of papers. “Troublesome. I was hoping he’d forget to have me check his calculations.”

“He must have had a backlog to add up to that much.” Ouki speculates.

Unsurprisingly, Tobirama stalks up and drops half the stack in Sunao’s lap. Surprisingly, he drops the other half in Ouki’s lap. “Sewer plans. Fix them. They need to account for the next sixty years. Population expansion and repairs factored in, with contingencies for if the populace continues to expand beyond accounted for. Don’t forget to factor in civilians as well as clans.”

He gives them a smile that’s all teeth and sugar, then walks off without waiting for a reply.

“So… That just happened.” Ouki sounds confused.

Sunao sighs. “He noticed you noticing his calculations mistake and not pointing it out, I think. Besides, do you really want to annoy someone who specializes in creating the kinds of jutsus he comes up with?”

Ouki shudders. “You’re right. I’d much rather draft sewer plans.”

It’s good that they’re in agreement on this, because if Ouki had planned to be stubborn, he definitely would’ve made sure that it was _Ouki_ who got jutsued, not him. Besides, he gets the impression that as long as they obediently check over what Tobirama needs checked, they’ll be off his radar as potential test subjects when he gets bored or seriously annoyed. There is value in being overlooked at times.

~

“Well, now, isn’t this a rare sight?”

Tobirama squints at the Utatane Clan head in bafflement. “What?”

“I thought you disliked children? I’ve never seen you holding any except your brother’s or cousin’s babes.”

“Ah.” He blinks down at the Hatake child he’s forgotten he’s been carrying around absently. The boy had been lost and crying when he’d picked him up, but quiet and clingy since. “Not really. He does remind me of my son, though. I suppose I should find out which mother misplaced him, since I think I’ve had him a few hours now.”

The boy gives him a sleepy grin. “Chichi-ue is on a mission, an’ he dunn’t know that oba-san forgets about me lots.”

“You should tell him.” The Utatane Clan head opines.

The boy scowls. “But then he’ll worry.”

Tobirama huffs. “He’ll find out eventually, and then he’ll cry because he’ll think he’s been a bad parent. Your oba-san wouldn’t happen to be a civilian named Yone, would she?”

The clanless old bat is sweet, but forgets her own name some days, forgets what she’s said two minutes ago, and half the time forgets what she’s trying to do before she accomplishes it. She certainly should _not_ be left in charge of a child who is Shoma’s age.

“Saa…” The boy averts his eyes guiltily. “Yes?”

“Fine. You can stay with me until your father comes home.” He allows, then narrows his eyes at Utatane, who looks like he dearly wants to laugh, and gives him a saccharine smile. “Utatane-sama, I’m sure as a Clan head you have the knowledge to design a civic system to care for children in this situation. I’ll let Madara and Hashirama know you’re working on it.”

He waits just long enough to see the man turn red and splutter before striding off, ignoring the giggling coming from the child riding on his hip. If they’ve got time to laugh, they’ve certainly got time to do something useful. It’s certainly a good way to spot those who are idle and pretending to be busy to avoid actual work. And Konoha certainly _should_ provide care for the kids of single parents whose clans are unwilling or unable to give them sufficient help. If Kakashi were not retired from active duty, his own children would be in the same situation at times, and that was _unacceptable_. He admires Kakashi’s Konoha, but there’s no reason he shouldn’t _learn_ from their mistakes and shortcomings and make this Konoha _better_. Those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it, after all.

~

 _The problem with the vote_ , he thinks, _is that Madara and Hashirama are under the impression that they are the only candidates, and Izuna doesn’t realize that he is one._ Fortunately, all of them are up on stage, and those who are to vote will do so by lining up in front of the candidate they wish to vote for, and when Madara and Hashirama move to separate sides of the stage, it leaves Tobirama and Izuna several feet apart near the center of the stage. Not that he really expects Izuna to get a _lot_ of votes, and he certainly won’t get any, but even a few should be enough to prove a point.

He watches the people mill around for a bit before sorting themselves out.

Shockingly, Tobirama does get a few votes. Touka and her twin husbands. The Hatake clan kid and his father. And a crabby old Nara woman who makes Tobirama-in-the-middle-of-creating-civic-systems look downright social and friendly in comparison. Touka grins at him and gives him a little wave, obviously amused at his expression.

Then again, his expression is no more surprised than Madara’s and Hashirama’s are, and certainly less than Izuna’s is. Predictably, a few more have lined up in front of Hashirama than in front of Madara, but there’s probably only about 20 or 30 voters altogether who vote for either.

The _vast_ majority are lining up in front of Izuna.

 _Huh_. Apparently others share his opinion for once. It’s an unexpected gift, really. He suspects that he may have Ouki and Sunao to thank for it and makes a mental note to do something nice for them.

~

Izuna, _who is really glad he can see his feet again,_ glowers at Tobirama. “I know that somehow this is your fault.”

“Maa, maa, don’t be like that.” Tobirama replies absently, obviously more interested in peering at Izuna’s newborn daughter than listening. “No one forced you to drink the punch or sleep with Yuuma. I believe in freewill, even if clan prejudices are bothersome.”

“Not that. _That!”_ Izuna points at the hat draped over a table nearby. “Making me Hokage was some plot of yours, wasn’t it?”

Tobirama actually looks up at him, surprise clear on his face. “No. Though if I’d thought of it, I might’ve. Only _two people_ even asked my opinion on who I thought should be Hokage.”

Izuna is _not convinced_. “Who asked you?”

“Sunao Nara and Ouki Hatake.”

“That pair you dumped the sewer planning on and keep giving the jobs you don’t want to deal with?”

“Yesss?”

Izuna bangs his head against the pillow in frustration. “You convinced a Nara and a Hatake that I’d be a better candidate and you don’t think you’re to blame for this?”

Tobirama has the gall to look offended. “I did not try to convince them. They came to me and asked, then asked for my reasons. I gave them. And then Sunao pointed out a calculation error and Ouki _didn’t_ , so I’ve been dumping things that require intelligence _and_ patience on them ever since.”

 _Okay…perhaps his brother-in-law is actually innocent of plotting this time_. It does happen occasionally.

“Why would you even tell them you thought I’d be a good candidate?” He groans, exasperated.

He gets a long, confused stare for his pains, as if _he_ is being the incomprehensible one here. Finally, Tobirama turns sharply and stalks out of the room, snapping at Yuuma, _“You_ explain it to him!”

Izuna gives his husband a baffled look. “What did I miss?”

“Saa, Madara-sama and Hashirama-sama both are the heads of rather large clans already, and rather preoccupied with the twins, as well. Tobirama-sama probably thinks that someone with less demands on his time to begin with is a safer option for leader of the village. And you have to admit, you did a rather good job sorting out the aftermath of that night.”

“Only because nii-san and Hashirama dumped it on me!”

“Which rather is the point. They’ve seen how you deal with unexpected situations with a high probability for imploding messily if handled wrong.”

“Only the Senjus and Uchihas were there for that, though!”

Yuuma gives him a smile that says he thinks it’s cute that Izuna’s being dense. “You didn’t think they wouldn’t talk about it, did you? It’s the first thing they warn newcomers of. What Tobirama can do if he’s not pleased with how people are behaving. And what you do if you think people are being unreasonable.”

Izuna blinks a few times. “Well, hell. Even if he started it, I screwed myself over, didn’t I? I’m going to have to apologize to him, aren’t I?”

“I would. He won’t expect it, but he will respect you more for it. Most people don’t bother. For all his flaws, though, he is well-meaning for the most part and rather sensitive about the disfavor he is treated with by many.” Yuuma agrees.

‘Well-meaning’ isn’t how Izuna would describe Tobirama, and he certainly seems thick-skinned about how people react to him, but maybe, just maybe, it explains why he went to a whole different _timeline_ to have kids and has flatly refused to bring them for a visit despite Hashirama’s persistent whining on the matter. If he was Tobirama, he might not trust the people here with his kids either. Being respected for his skills is a far different matter than being _liked_ , and he doesn’t know more than ten people among all the clans of Konoha who actually _like_ the silver-haired menace. And that’s including Hashirama, who likes _everyone_.

He grumbles under his breath, then looks at Yuuma. “We should probably name her before we have to introduce her around. And not something stupid like nii-san and Hashirama came up with.”

_Honestly. Giving twins names that mean ‘half peace’ and ‘half possess’ is about the dumbest thing ever._

Yuuma gives him a thoughtful look. “How about Nozomi?”

Izuna considers. It seems like a very Senju name to him, but it does suit the purpose of Konoha and his unexpected position quite well. A statement of sorts. There’s worse things than naming one’s daughter _‘fruit of hope’_.

“Huh. I like it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hanbei, written as ‘half’ and ‘peace’ Senju.
> 
> Hanzo, written as ‘half’ and ‘possess’ Uchiha. _(Yes, written the same way as Hanzo of Ame, but this is before he’d be around. And if you happen to be the sort who looks up names, remember that kanji can be read more than one way. Hanzo of Ame’s name is read as ‘half’ and ‘storage’, even though it uses the same kanji.)_
> 
> Yes, the twins have different last names, because they are Hashirama's and Madara's heirs respectively. Hashirama puppy-eyed Madara into agreeing that the oldest would be a Senju and the next oldest would be an Uchiha. Which was fortunate, because they wouldn't have liked how Tobirama would've ended an argument over it.
> 
> Nozomi, written as ‘hope’ and ‘fruit’. _(Although Yuuma actually meant to suggest the version written as ‘hope’ and ‘beautiful’, he is amused when he figures out Izuna’s misunderstanding and doesn’t bother correcting him. Poor kid.)_
> 
> Yes, this Tobirama still likes and is good with kids, but there's not a lot of parents who are comfortable with having him around their kids because most of them dislike or are wary of him to varying extents. A crying kid who looks uncomfortably like his Shoma, though? He can't resist that.
> 
> (And that's how Konoha ended up with a daycare system that was eventually extended to civilians in similar situations.)
> 
> And yes, Sunao and Ouki were definitely responsible for the large numbers who voted for Izuna. They just gave Tobirama's arguments to a few people whose opinions swayed a lot of others over the course of the next month. They're both terribly lazy people when not on duty. And whether they'll like Tobirama's 'something nice' or not is rather questionable. haha.


	7. 'Ware Bloodline Thieves and Tobirama's Anger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bloodline thieves get ambitious. Tobirama is _not pleased._ Konoha retaliates.  
>  And Hyuugas. Probably shouldn't forget the Hyuugas. They are also _not pleased. ___

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... This happened. So... Enjoy a second chapter in a row on the same fic?  
>  _(scurries off to hide)_

“Tobirama-sama, have you seen Mako?”

He looks up to see Masashiro Hatake standing there and frowns a little. _No, he hasn’t, but it’s surprising that his father couldn’t find the boy._ Usually Mako wanders a bit, but not outside of certain areas. They probably just managed to miss each other. Well, he should be easy to find. Without a word, he puts his hand on the ground and uses his sensing jutsu, searching through the relatively nearby presences.

He finds Mako a mile out and moving at a speed that he knows very well the boy is too young to achieve on his own, and he _does not recognize_ the signatures around the boy. Rage suffuses him and his expression darkens ominously. Setting down the papers, which are far less important, he straightens and grabs Masashiro’s arm and jumps to the hiraishin marker he has closest to the fleeing ninjas.

Masashiro stumbles and steadies himself against the nearest tree. “Tobirama-sama?”

“Kidnapped.” He snaps shortly.

Fury and fear push the nauseous expression off of Masashiro’s face. “Lead the way.”

Tobirama takes off at full speed and is a little impressed when Masashiro manages to push himself enough to keep up. It’s doubtful the man can keep it up for long, but he doesn’t really need to. The fleeing ninja have a set speed, doubtless thinking that pursuers will be further behind. He can see the logic behind taking a child of a single parent, who is loosely supervised. Normally no one would miss the boy for at least another hour. It’s chance that Masashiro had gone looking just then. Unfortunately _for them_ , Mako is one of _Tobirama’s_.

_They should not have touched what is his!_

They will not live to regret it.

~

The kidnappers sense them coming and start going faster, then pause and turn to fight when it becomes clear that they will fail in staying ahead. They aren’t expecting _him_ , though. It’s an easy matter to swipe Mako from the one carrying him, and toss him to his father.

“Protect your puppy.”

One of them is still a child himself, which only deepens Tobirama’s rage. He kicks the lime-green haired brat into a tree and his world becomes a whirl of dodging and striking. _Briefly._ Mere chunin are no match for him.

He looks up as the last one falls bonelessly in well-deserved death, and finds Masashiro cuddling Mako and standing with one foot on the very dazed-looking brat. On second glance, the brat is older than he looks, and Tobirama’s eyes narrow.

“Maa, maa, I’d like to know who sent them. If it’s all the same to you, Tobirama-sama.” Masashiro drawls lazily.

Tobirama snorts and deactivates Raijin no Ken. The sword is flashy, but he hadn’t had many kunai or other tools on him and it certainly serves the purpose of _lethal_. “He is a pretty little thing, isn’t he? You want him when I’m done extracting information or not?”

Masashiro looks intrigued, then shakes his head regretfully. “My clan head would not be impressed. No offence, but I’d rather avoid him asking you to use _that_ jutsu on me. He’s already annoyed clan numbers have been slowly falling and my wife died before having more than Mako.”

He snorts again and pulls out a brush and a bottle of chakra ink. “Easily fixed.”

The brat is too dazed to protest as he is rolled over and several seals are painted on him.

“Here, bleed on these two.” He indicates the obedience seal and the more complex one painted next to it on the brat’s forehead.

Masashiro gives him a thoughtful look, then bites his thumb and drips blood across both marks.

He _does_ so like Hatakes. They’re smart enough to get what he’s up to without being told and instinctive enough to know that Tobirama is the bigger predator, so they don’t argue over things that are clearly for the best. The blood keys the seals to Masashiro, something that cannot be changed or subverted or rekeyed. The obedience seal won’t revert to Tobirama unless Masashiro dies. As for the other…well, it will simply shut down in the event of Masashiro’s death. _Kakashi would never forgive him if that one reverted._

He smirks at the brat and pushes _that_ jutsu through the second seal.

The boy screams and curls up in a ball, sobbing a little. “I’ll tell you everything, just stop.”

Mako jerks his head around and stares down at him wide-eyed.

His father rubs his back. “Is that supposed to hurt?”

“Saa, it doesn’t have to, but the other versions wouldn’t work very well with the seal. It’s perfectly safe, but he must be somewhat chakra sensitive for it to bother him that much. Kakashi barely flinched when I used it on him.”

“Hmmn.” Masashiro stares at the brat as his sobs taper off and he uncurls enough to look at them fearfully. “Hatake or Inuzuka?”

“What?” Tobirama is confused.

“Your spouse. The one you have stashed away somewhere. Is he Hatake or Inuzuka? You said ‘puppy’. Only Hatakes and Inuzuka do that, so you must have picked it up from him.”

 _Oh_. Tobirama sighs and admits, “Hatake. And he’s not ‘stashed’. He lives in a different timeline, so there’s no chance of my enemies finding him. Mako looks a lot like my oldest.”

Then he hunkers down and starts interrogating the brat.

~

Izuna startles so hard when Tobirama suddenly appears in his office with company that he’s glad Hashirama is holding his daughter, because the other man just looks up in interest rather than startling.

He grimaces as Tobirama drops a green haired youth who proceeds to throw up on his floor. “Problem?”

“You need to send out a cleanup team to pick up five bodies around two miles north. I didn’t have storage scrolls on me. They attempted to kidnap a Hatake child.”

Obviously the child the Hatake man is still holding. Mako, he thinks. The only child outside of the two sets of twins and Nozomi that Tobirama voluntarily interacts with.

“I see. And _that?”_ He indicates the green haired youth, who is still hunched over and gagging.

“Oh. Concussion, most likely.” Then Tobirama smiles brightly, a smile that makes Izuna twitch. “He’s decided to join Konoha as part of the Hatake clan. Turns out he was a kidnapped child too. Seems like there’s a small Rain clan that has made a habit of supplying themselves with bloodlines they have no right to. I suggest an elimination mission. Two squads should be enough as long as Hashirama and I are with them.”

Izuna gives him a hard look, but the smile doesn’t falter, which is more unnerving than it should be. Apparently, Tobirama is angry enough that he doesn’t care that he’s more ordering than suggesting. He sighs. “I’ll send Yuuma, a squad of his choice and Madara, as well. Pick a third squad.”

“Ouki Hatake, Sunao Nara, and an Inuzuka of your choice.” The reply is prompt.

He knows for a fact that the pair are on separate teams, but he also knows that they work together for Tobirama quite often, so he doesn’t point out that he meant a pre-formed squad.

“Homare Inuzuka.” Hashirama suggests, startling him as he hands Nozomi back. “He’s one of their best and I happen to know he’s between missions at the moment.”

It’s probably not wise to have so many of their most powerful out of the village at once, but Konoha can less afford allowing a reputation for letting bloodline thieves get away relatively unscathed. That would set a very…dangerous precedent and shake the fledgling unity between the clans. He’s not entirely sure Konoha would survive that just now.

Izuna inclines his head in acceptance of the suggestion.

~

Tobirama jumps the ten of them to the marker he has furthest north, which is a long jump, particularly with nine passengers. It wears him out, but isn’t a problem because Hashirama carries him for the rest of the day, nearly to the border. A bit annoying, but necessary. He doesn’t have his brother’s freakish stamina and recovery rate. Neither do the others, of course, but they’re still fresh. Fortunately they know the general area of the clan and only need the ninkens’ noses to locate it specifically once they get close, so they’re keeping a fast pace that even the slowest of them, one of Yuuma’s squad, can maintain.

The small clan village is already on fire when they arrive, with the sounds of battle muffled but clear. They don’t understand why until they’re already into the village.

“Why are the Hatake here?”

He turns and the Hyuuga’s eyes widen as she realizes that he’s _not_ a Hatake, but the infamous Senju. Then Madara and Hashirama must come into view, because the cautious anger in her expression turns to outright fury.

“What is that bastard doing here?”

Tobirama gives her a thin smile. “The same as your clan, I imagine. Punitive mission against would-be bloodline thieves.”

Darkness touches her expression. “Not ‘would-be’ in our case. Retrieval. Haven’t found her yet.”

_The fools. Of all the clans in Fire Country, those not allied yet with Konoha, Hyuuga is absolutely the worst one to steal a child from. They are far too proud to let such a thing go._

He nods slightly. “We are temporary allies in this, then. Nara, your squad stay with her and help her. Yuuma, take your squad and find another Hyuuga to aid. Madara, Hashirama, with me. Both Madara and I are sensors, Hyuuga-san. We will find the child and return her to the Hyuuga clan. Konoha intends to take in the other children.”

 _‘Other children!?’_ she mouths, then nods sharply in return. “Agreed, Senju. You’d best keep to that.”

~

Finding the Hyuuga girl is almost sickeningly easy. Bracketing him, Madara and Hashirama fight together with seamless ease born from many fights against each other. None of their foes are equal to either one, much less both. Tobirama doesn’t even need to fight, just lead the way.

Turning the child over to the nearest Hyuuga is a little trickier. It’s fortunate that Tobirama was the one she chose to cling to, because if Madara had been carrying her, well…things might’ve gotten messy. Fast.

Because _of course_ Madara is spotted first, and Tobirama is, again, briefly mistaken for a Hatake, which are both neutral to the Hyuuga and not a rival noble clan like the Akamichi and Uchiha are. Of course it’s impossible to mistake Hashirama, given that he’s busy employing his Wood Release.

“Hatake, what-!?”

Tobirama turns at the name and uses his vaunted speed to deposit the frightened girl in the Hyuuga’s arms before the man can fully register that he’s not a Hatake. “This is yours, I believe.”

The man stares for a moment. “Why is Konoha aiding the Hyuuga? We are not allies.”

He gives him a sharp smile. “Nor are we enemies. Konoha’s on a mission to wipe out this clan, since they attempted to steal a Hatake child. Bloodline thieves are unappreciated by any.”

The man looks shocked, then swallows and inclines his head. “The Hyuuga will be withdrawing now that we’ve found her, but I thank you for your aid.”

Tobirama gives him a smile that’s all teeth and sugar. Hyuugas get pissy about owing other powerful clans. They’re sure to be even tetchier about owing a whole _group_ of clans. “You softened them up for us. No need to thank us.”

 _Not that they’ll believe him._ Denying that there’s a debt will simply annoy them more, because they’ll feel compelled to return the favor no matter what he says. It _does_ mean that they’ll have to find a way that he’ll accept in order to do that, however. They _might_ choose to do that by giving him access to scrolls he otherwise could not find, but then again, they _might_ choose to reconsider Konoha’s offer to let them join.

Hashirama will give him a deeply disappointed look if he figures it out, but happily, he’s a little too busy fighting to notice what he’s up to. And unlikely to figure it out from simply having it repeated later, since the recounting will lack his current expression, the usual thing that clues Hashirama in.

~

Recovering the other children is more time consuming, simply because they are scattered all over the village and some of them are fighting, either brainwashed or defending the civilians from unknown attackers, and have to be disarmed and restrained appropriately.

In the end, both Hashirama and Madara agree that he has to give anyone not bearing weapons a chance to surrender, and anyone under twelve is spared regardless of origin. _Bleeding heart morons._ It’s not really a problem, of course, and no less than he should have expected of the pair, considering. But it does mean that he has to jump to Yuuma and Sunao and warn them to bring their squads together and be prepared to guard prisoners while Madara and Hashirama finish the fight.

_(And incidentally saving Sunao from being killed by senbon he wouldn’t have had time to avoid, and saving his squad from being overwhelmed, since they’ve had the bad luck of having the strongest fighters remaining in the village converging on them. The fight is nasty and the first serious fighting he’s had to do, which he doesn’t mind, but it takes longer than he’d like, so he ends up jumping the squad afterwards to where Yuuma and his squad are, so he can bring the prisoners to them and Madara and Hashirama can keep moving.)_

Well, that and Tobirama _keeps running out of ninja wire_ to tie people up with. After stripping Yuuma’s and Sunao’s squads of their remaining wire and demanding Madara’s as well, he eventually has to resort to making Hashirama wrap the last few in roots. He’s also run out of chakra ink, which is annoying. And he’s gotten tired of jumping prisoners to where Yuuma’s and Sunao’s squads are.

He glowers at the mess of the village as the fighting abruptly grinds to a halt, thinking that this is going to be easily traced back to Konoha. Something they can’t really afford for another couple years yet. Absently, he checks to see how many of the villagers have chosen to flee in the chaos, then perks up as he realizes that the Hyuuga haven’t actually left. Apparently they have chosen to return the favor the easiest way and spread out around the village to catch anyone fleeing. There’s a very few terrified signatures that must be civilians, but besides the Hyuuga and the civilians only wispy impressions of chakra remain, the type that lingers briefly in the recently dead. A fair number of them, too.

 _Saa, that’s nice._ No need to chase them down, at least.

Still, that leaves the village as a problem. Then again…

“Anija, can you grow a network of roots about half a mile wide in the pattern of a timed explosive tag?”

Hashirama gives him a wide-eyed look. “I probably can, but isn’t that a little…overkill?”

“I agree.” Madara says in a dust dry tone. “An explosion of that size would through debris for miles. I’d rather not be close to that.”

Tobirama gives them a sweet smile. _No, not to see them both flinch, though they do._ “But Anija, even if they are filthy bloodline thieves, they are ninjas. Well, some of them. It’s unseemly to just leave them to rot.”

Of course his brother falls for it, instantly looking compassionate and looking around, and even Madara’s mouth twists in reluctant sympathy.

“That’s true. It would be a shame.” Hashirama admits.

Ouki snorts and Sunao sighs. “What he means is that letting Rain trace this back to Konoha easily might set off a war and we can’t afford that yet. Presumably he has a plan for getting us out of range, too. Since timed tags only take a few moments to go off.”

Tobirama glowers at Sunao. “You’re ruining my fun. But you’re right. If you can also grow a transport seal, anija, I can use my kunai in Konoha as a destination and take us, the prisoners, the kids, and the Hyuuga all back in one jump.”

“The Hyuuga? I thought they left already? And I don’t know any transport seals.”

“I do. What do you _think_ I based my Hiraishin on? I can scratch the design out and you can just grow the roots in that pattern. You can activate the tag just before we jump. And yes, the Hyuuga.”

Madara tilts his head in surprise and elucidates. “Ah, they didn’t leave. They stayed to catch anyone fleeing and have a few prisoners themselves.”

“You’re assuming that the Hyuuga will agree to this.” Sunao points out.

“I doubt that even their pride will make them object to cutting their journey in half.” Tobirama refutes in a grumpy tone. They _could object_ , of course, but he’s fairly sure that even the haughty Hyuuga will want to flee like a bijuu is hot on their heels in the time it takes Hashirama to grow the seals accurately, in order to get out of range before the explosion goes off. Fleeing is hardly dignified, after all.

_The only thing really wrong with the plan is that they’ll have to leave without seeing the explosion. Tch._

~

Unsurprisingly, the Hyuuga, though surprised at the offer do accept it once the Konoha’s contingent’s plan to use a rather experimental version of a massive explosive tag to wipe the village off the face of the earth is mentioned.

“This looks like an Uzumaki seal.” The Hyuuga leader mentions curiously.

“Yes. Though this one is adapted a bit to mesh with my Hiraishin marker as a destination rather than a similarly large seal.”

“Interesting.”

“I think we’re ready now, Tobirama-sama.” Yuuma says.

He looks around and yes, it appears they are. It takes a moment to prime the seal with his own chakra, then nods to Hashirama. “You can go ahead and finish the other seal now, Anija.”

“Saa, give me a minute.”

It’s more like eight minutes, but being careful is better than rushing in this case.

“Alright! Now!” Hashirama barks suddenly.

Trusting Hashirama is second nature, so Tobirama doesn’t hesitate and jumps them to a training field that happens to be empty. Or, well. _Was empty_. Given the squeaks of surprise from one of the younger teams just stepping onto the field, elicited by a rather large party of people suddenly appearing out of thin air mere feet in front of them. That’s all he has time to see, though, before the unexpectedly large chakra drain catches up with him and his vision goes dark as he passes out. _Fu-!_

~

**OMAKE**

A couple months later…

Izuna looks up from a letter from the Daimyo at a very bored looking Tobirama who is idling in his office. “You know, I know Madara said you used an explosion to obliterate evidence of who destroyed the village. But _what exactly_ did you do that Rain thinks a stray meteor was the culprit?”

Tobirama looks surprised. “He didn’t tell you?”

“No, he didn’t go into detail.”

No longer looking bored, Tobirama smirks, and Izuna _knows_ he’s not going to like it before he even opens his mouth. “Saa, you know that-?”

Fifteen minutes later…

Izuna lifts his head from his hands, where he’s nursing an incipient headache over details that Madara and Hashirama had somehow not seen fit to share and glowers at Tobirama. _“You._ Are. A. _Menace!”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, I forgot to mention what the second seal does, didn't I? It basically cycles whatever jutsu is first pushed through it periodically. So even though the jutsu expires (after pregnancy in this case, cuz yes, _that_ jutsu) it renews every few years. Poor green-haired brat.
> 
> So, I always thought the Senju were one of the four noble clans of Konoha, but it turns out that Wikia insists that the four noble clans are: Aburame, Akamichi, Hyuuga, and Uchiha. Who knew? Ah, well.
> 
> Yup, Tobirama’s out of chakra ink, so he needs _something_ with a bit of chakra in it to make seals with. Cue Hashirama’s roots. Then again, living things are kind of tricky to work with and there was a risk of it setting itself off early. So after a bit of discussion, Hashirama simply didn’t grow a few key lines together before the transport seal was finished and everyone standing on it, ready for the jump.
> 
> Turned out, it was an _excellent_ thing that the Hyuuga agreed to the plan. Because no one factored in the feeder roots anchoring the network of branches, which _also_ conducted the explosion down as well as the planned ‘up’, and the explosion was considerably… _more impressive_ than even their most dire estimates. Kind of like thinking you’re using a stick of TNT _(not the same as dynamite, tyvm)_ and find out afterwards that it’s actually Torpex or H6.  
>  _(Yes, I know they aren’t triggered the same way as TNT. Details.)_


	8. Family Interactions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein Hashirama annoys Tobirama into action, Kakashi gives Tobirama the hots by being badass, Hashirama is confused, and the girls get lots of Hashirama cuddles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to jkbat for the idea for this chapter.  
> This is all adult POVs so some of the kiddie cuteness doesn't convey well, I think. Hopefully the adult tension _does_ convey well, though.

Tobirama’s glower at Hashirama’s insistent whining steadily deepens until he snaps, throws a glance at Izuna, grabs his _extremely annoying_ anija, and timeline hops so Hashirama can ‘see the kids’. _For Kami’s sake!_ Konoha should thank him endlessly for ensuring the big baby _didn’t_ become Hokage.

He blinks, momentarily startled at the unexpected…scene. For one thing… They’re nowhere near Konoha, which is strange, because he’s never known Kakashi to go far from it. For another, there is evidence of hard battle all around them. Corpses of unknown affiliation intermixed with dead and wounded that he recognizes as being from Konoha, either diplomats or ANBU or well, he’s not sure on some of them. In the middle of it all, Shoma stands like a fierce little wolf cub, guarding his sisters, while Reika struggles to both hold Haruka and her miniature tanto.

And Kakashi…

Well, Kakashi obviously has this _well in hand_ , given how beautifully he’s kicking the remaining enemy jounins around. One almost-elderly ninja who hasn’t taken proper missions in six years _should not_ be able to keep up with four younger and clearly competent jounins, even if they are equally clearly _not_ S rank. _No wonder they made him Kage._

Tobirama cuts a few throats on his way over to the children, just to make sure none of them get back up again to be a threat, plucks Haruka from Reika’s arms and hands her over to Hashirama, who is clearly still confused but just as clearly itching to intervene. Then, because that’s clearly _not enough_ distraction for his too generous anija, he picks Reika up and stuffs her into Hashirama’s arms as well.

Watching Kakashi fight is a thing of beauty, and he has _every intention_ of enjoying the sight while it lasts.

Having Shoma do his _I’m-aloof-not-cuddling-cuddle-thing_ as he picks him up is good too. It seems to be a new thing for the boy, and Tobirama suspects that Kakashi did the exact same as a child, but probably pulled it off better. Shoma’s more a people person than either of his parents, and he’s not sure if that comes from Kakashi’s parents or from anija or from Kakashi’s friends, but any which way it’s adorable.

When Kakashi finally ends the last of the _absolute morons who threatened his family_ , Tobirama puts Shoma down and the boy goes easily.

He’s _expecting it_ and he’s _faster_ than Kakashi, but _by the Shinigami_ his man is a fierce creature, and he barely manages to stop him from taking off anija’s head by grabbing his wrist. There is a short struggle as Kakashi puts all his flexibility and experience to good use and Tobirama finds himself in the unusual position of being suppressed before spotting the beginning sequence of a jutsu he _really doesn’t want to take up close_ and decides that _just this once_ he’ll forgo the delightful struggle for the kids’ sakes.

_“Stop.”_

Kakashi shudders and…doesn’t stop, but hesitates just briefly. Then recognition flares in his dark eyes and…

“Ouch! What was that for?” Tobirama complains, cradling his now-bruised jaw.

 _“Were you trying to get yourself killed?”_ Kakashi snarls, obviously displeased.

“No. That’s why I stayed out of your fight.”

 _“You got between me and a stranger who has my children!”_ Kakashi sounds angrier at his response for some reason.

He’s still not sure exactly what Kakashi is upset about, but figures it most likely has to do with his Hatake parental instincts in this case. “Well, sorry for that, but I’d rather you not kill my anija. I promise he won’t hurt the children. He’d never hurt a child on purpose.”

Tobirama yelps as ankle swipes him hard enough to send him tumbling to the bloody grass, then proceeds to loom over him, looking menacing with a thin streak of blood dripping off one of the spikey silver bangs.

 _“You let me fight you! Do you think I’d feel nothing if I accidentally killed my mate in defense of my pups!?”_ Kakashi rages at him.

That… _Oh._ Wait. _Really!?_

He’d known the man was in love with him, but he hadn’t expected him to ever _admit it_. Because if there’s one thing his Hatake is besides _extremely impressive in a fight,_ it’s _highly intelligent_ and up until now Kakashi has observed the common sense of not openly admitting a weakness that could easily be used against him. _Then again…Kakashi doesn’t look like he’s quite his usual calm self at the moment, so it’s probably a slip of the tongue._

“I stopped you before it got dangerous.” Tobirama tells him in a calm tone and uses the hiraishin to appear behind Kakashi rather than be perforated by the kunai flung with rather decisive precision. _Definitely nowhere near calm._ He grasps Kakashi’s wrists and sets his teeth against his nape, knowing it’s his weak point, ignoring the taste of blood, sweat, smoke and ozone for the moment. _That can be savored later._

~

Kakashi freezes when Tobirama sets his teeth warningly against his nape. It’s not accompanied by a growl, but that means little. Tobirama tends to be a silent predator. He _resists_ the urge to whine in submission, instincts far too close to the surface. It’s not that he thinks his mate is _displeased._ On the contrary, over the stench of combat, he can smell _exactly_ how pleased and aroused Tobirama is.

 _That,_ however, does _not_ make Tobirama any _less_ dangerous at the moment. If anything, it means that Kakashi needs to wrestle himself under control _now_ or he’ll end up regretting it far more.

Deliberately, he relaxes in Tobirama’s hold.

Tobirama hums in approval and licks over the teeth marks. “See? You’re fine. I’m fine. The kids are well. Your escort…hm. Well, none have died in the last few minutes. They could probably use some healing from anija, though.”

There’s no reason to _not_ trust Tobirama’s assessment. He processes that for a moment and then his battle-high crashes abruptly and his knees go weak; he lets Tobirama lower him to a sitting position without protest.

 _He’s too old for this._ He came too close to losing those he loves most, _yet again._ This… _This can’t happen again._ He needs to get up. He needs to check on his son and daughters and see if they’re doing okay. He needs…

Hashirama bends over him and hands him his daughters, looking at him curiously. “Are you alright?”

“Yes, I- Yes.” He manages shakily.

The tall man, who _isn’t_ the Shodaime in his own timeline, nods and straightens, pausing only to pat Kakashi’s head and then ruffle Shoma’s hair. “I’ll just go fix up your wounded, then, brother in law.”

Kakashi stares after him, wondering exactly _what_ Tobirama has been telling his brother.

~

Hashirama is a little startled when Tobirama abruptly gives into his pleas. _He knows when Tobirama is acquiescing, okay?_ But really confused to end up not in the peaceful Konoha Tobirama has described, but a battlefield on the border of Stone. He really can’t tell which side is the aggressor. Too many are down or dead entirely. The only ones he can tell for _sure_ aren’t potentially enemies are the three tiny kids in the middle of the devastation, doing their best to be on guard against more attacks.

He can tell Tobirama is surprised, too, but obviously he understands what’s going on as he moves quietly towards the kids, smoothly cutting a throat here and there while leaving others untouched.

It finally clicks that with four on one, it’s probably not the one who is the aggressor, even though he’s holding his own quite well. That doesn’t mean Hashirama isn’t tempted to help him, of course. He’s just not sure he should. Tobirama doesn’t look like he thinks it’s necessary. Then he gets a closer look at the kids and realizes that the kids are definitely the one’s kids and almost certainly _Tobirama’s_ kids, too. The temptation to help Tobirama’s husband multiplies alarmingly.

Tobirama shoots him a look and hands him the youngest child. Which is an _adorable_ little girl that looks _exactly_ like Tobirama as a baby. Hashirama coos over her happily. But of course, holding one child really isn’t any bar to him helping out his brother in law… He gives up on the notion, though, when Tobirama gives him an exasperated look and dumps the older girl into his arms too, before picking up the boy, who acts _just_ like Tobirama at that age when he wanted to pretend he wasn’t _loving_ being cuddled. _And awww,_ this girl looks just like _him!_ Just so, so cute! Not that he’s cute, of course. He’s a grown man, after all. But he wonders if he can talk Madara into having another girl, because _girls are so adorable_ and as much as he loves the twins, he’d _love_ to have a daughter. Particularly if she happens to look like a mini-Madara!

And- _Whoa!_

Definitely hadn’t expected the Hatake to go for his throat! A good thing Tobirama anticipated it. He watches their wrestling a bit wide-eyed. _Tobirama_ is obviously enjoying himself, but just as obviously losing slowly despite his best efforts.

 _No wonder he likes this Hatake so much._ Tobirama has never been one to _respect_ the weak. He just is dutiful enough to protect them. Overmatching Tobirama after killing at least four jounin is _impressive._ Then…he doesn’t quite understand why Tobirama’s curt _‘Stop’_ causes the other man to hesitate, but obviously it works. Well, sort of works.

He winces as the Hatake’s fist collides with his brother’s jaw audibly, and backs off a couple steps when he starts snarling at Tobirama. Snarling words to be sure, but he’s so angry that the words are barely intelligible around the growl in them. He backs off a little further as Tobirama hits the ground with a painful thud.

A small hand pats his elbow, drawing his attention. “It’s okay. Tou-san won’t hurt him…much. Chichi-ue just scared him.”

_Well, if his nephew says so…_

He glances back and represses a cringe to find his little brother _biting_ his husband’s neck. _Couldn’t they keep the flirting to the bedroom?_ But curiously it seems to calm the Hatake down nigh-instantly. Hashirama wonders curiously if it would work as well on Madara, who has this little rage problem some days. _Maybe he’ll try it out and see._

But in the meantime, he should probably give the Hatake… _wasn’t his name Kakashi?_...back his daughters so his brother in law can finish calming down, and go tend the wounded. Since it’s obvious _Tobirama_ has no intention of doing so and his brother in law, the Hatake _(Kakashi??),_ is probably just not up to it for a while, at least judging by his expression.

~

Tobirama is _possibly_ a bit annoyed by the time they manage to limp into the nearest town and acquire hotel rooms. It’s no one’s fault, per se. _(Although some salting and burning is going to happen once they find out who was behind the attack, because no one gets away with trying to take what is his. Even if watching Kakashi fight was well worth the view.)_ However, it’s been _hours_ since he got to see that, and he’s… _impatient_ for lack of a better word.

Thus, he feels not a twinge of guilt about smiling at Hashirama and telling him, “You wanted to meet my children, anija. I’m sure you’ll be happy to take care of them until tomorrow.”

“Wha-?” Hashirama looks puzzled, but Tobirama ignores him.

Instead, he puts a hand on Kakashi’s nape, interrupting his conversation qualmlessly, and guides him into their room. Kakashi may be a splendid sight when he takes him apart, but that doesn’t mean _others_ have the right to see that sight.

“Please don’t.” Kakashi pleas quietly as soon as the door is locked.

Tobirama snorts. _Because really? He knows better than that._ Kakashi’s been hiding it well, but he’s in pain from pushing himself too hard. Tobirama may be many things that are unpleasant, but needlessly cruel to his loved ones isn’t among them. “Strip off.”

Kakashi lets his shoulders slump and obeys. He even removes his mask without being explicitly told. _Definitely not up to par._

“Lay down.”

A tired sigh is a volume of protests on its own as Kakashi crawls onto the bed. He doesn’t resist as Tobirama rearranges him, but he does start in surprise when Tobirama presses his fingers into sore muscles and starts soothing out the aches.

He takes his time, working out knots and easing bruises and strains and cuts with healing chakra. Enjoying every little twitch and flinch, sigh and whimper as Kakashi melts under his hands. There is more than one way to take the man apart, after all.

And when he’s done?

Well, one can hardly fault him for being smug when Kakashi nuzzles his throat drowsily and promptly falls asleep, entirely relaxed and all cuddled up against him. _He likes it when Kakashi thoroughly acknowledges that he is his._

_Mine!_

~

Hashirama is a little bit surprised when his nephew pushes him back from his brother’s door after he knocks the next morning. Of course, the boy is far too small to move him if he doesn’t want to be, but he allows it. Allows Shoma to be the one at the door when it opens.

“Tou-san, you forgot to get dressed.”

There’s a slight hitch of surprise, then the door slams shut.

Shoma gives Hashirama an amused look. “He does that sometimes when chichi-ue is visiting. Chichi-ue gets mad about it if others see him, though.”

_What a thoughtful nephew he has!_

Considering Tobirama’s reaction to him asking to meet his family, Hashirama does _not_ want to be the object of his temper in this matter. People call _him_ overdramatic, but _Tobirama’s_ the one who got all the temper related dramatics. He’s just… _less verbal_ about it. Not that Tobirama _needs_ verbal dramatics, although it would certainly be safer for the sanity of those around them if he did. Hashirama might want a daughter, but he would definitely like to avoid being the one who gets pregnant.

The door opens again and Hashirama whines involuntarily. “Otouto, can’t you remember to put clothes on first?”

“Did you see?”

Hashirama shakes his head frantically. “Nothing but a hand. Shoma made sure I didn’t see on accident.”

“Hmmn.” Tobirama ruffles Shoma’s hair, then shuts the door again. Gently this time.

He lets out a sigh of relief and then does his best to spit Reika’s hair out of his mouth without getting spit all over both girls. Now he kind of understands why his siblings always complained about _his_ hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sorry.  
> Kakashi and co are on their way to Iwa for an extended, peaceful diplomatic mission when it all goes to hell when they're attack by an unknown party.  
> 'salt and burn'- Salting fields, burning fields and buildings, and throwing dead animals in wells to poison them is a wartime tactic designed to deny the enemy any resources. Basically he's saying (in this context) that there's going to be nothing left by the time he's through with them. 'Scorched earth' policy and all that. Tobirama doesn't believe in doing things halfway.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Why one should avoid annoying timelines or attracting their interest. (Dark version.)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16002113) by [Foodmoon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Foodmoon/pseuds/Foodmoon)




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